Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Girls

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith

Rachel Ann Jones

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari

Alison Leigh Boring

Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we don't get along. Sometimes, we're bitches. Sometimes we're not there for each other when we need to be. Sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes, we say the right thing at the wrong time. Sometimes we talk behind each other's backs. Sometimes we don't know what to say, how to help. Sometimes it's hard to forgive each other and move on.

But always and forever, we will care about each other. Always and no matter what, if one of us truly needed the others, we would all be there.
These girls are my support, my backbone, my strength. These girls have held me when I cried and picked me up at 2 a.m to support me. These girls have said "I don't know what to say, but you're strong and you can do this." when I didn't know how I would. These girls have drawn me pictures and written me letters to encourage me. They've stayed on the phone all night with me.
No matter what shit we go through. No matter who says what. No matter how hard it is to keep our friendships going.
Ladies, you are my forever friends, my bosom buddies, my best friends. My soul mates in friendship form.

Thank you for everything. I know I don't say that enough. Thank you for being there.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Home Sweet Alaska - The Last Frontier

I grew up in eternal winter. Sledding September through March. I grew up in a city where, in July, it was once recorded to be 38 degrees. Fahrenheit. Where we get an average of 69.5 inches of snow a year. I grew up camping all summer long. Boating and fishing. Wearing sweatshirts in the summer, yes, but being up til 2, 3 a.m because it was still light out. I grew up with moose in my backyard often and bears digging through my garbage occasionally. I've eaten moose roasts and shot a gun and seen whales jump in the WILD. I've always had huge, gorgeous mountains surrounding me. Good hikes just a few miles away. It's beautiful, right out my window. I love it here. Winters are shit ...Difficult. Long. Dark. But my family is here. How can I leave this place?

How can I not?
I have dreams. And as much as I love my home state, can I accomplish them here? Can I be successful at good ole' University of Alaska Anchorage? Will I be able to build my character and person living in the same house as my lovely but pushy Mother? Is it possible for me to really become a woman here?
I wish. I hope. Maybe.
But most likely, I will end up stuck in loads of student debt so I can venture out and grow and become the me of my dreams. Most likely, I will leave this love-it-but-hate-it state and go somewhere with not enough snow and extremely hot (85 is hot...) summers. Somewhere I'll be scared out of my size 24 jeans in a new place with no one I know... But that's how it's going to happen. That's how I'm going to feel okay with studying abroad and changing the world and having a career I can travel the world with. That's how I'll meet someone equally as crazy and globally-minded as me, marrying him, eventually adopting kids from impoverished countries and raising them to be travelers and adventurers and explorers.
Because how can I ever hope to travel the world if I don't even want to leave the state for college? How can I ever raise little multi-cultural children to wander and discover if I'm scared to do it? I can't. So I have to face my fears. Physical, Mental, Financial. I have to face my fears and cry and be homesick until I'm amazing and cultured and experienced. Until all my friends wish they had gone out of state, too. (:

Sunday, July 18, 2010

My trip

I love this trip. I loved Washington, Oregon, Colorado and New York.
I've seen some great schools and had some awesome experiences.
But this trip is about self discovery.
And through this trip, I've discovered something.
I need to be on my own. Need. Not want.
I'm glad I have this last year and that I will be able to be with my family... BUT.
But I am thriving on this trip. I like me better here. Away from distractions, away from my normal life.
I don't know if I'll end up at one of these colleges, out of my home state, but I do know that I need to be on my own.
I know that I can succeed. But I can't do it at home.
I'm drowning there.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Today sucked. I am worn out, exhausted, weary, and just not up to much. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up til I'm done learning things the hard way and making mistakes to learn lessons that shape my character. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling as if I call a friend I am inconveniencing them. I'm tired of feeling the need to be crazy and push myself to feel alive. Im tired of being optimistic. I'm ready for change.

But it was a good day too. The end of my day was pretty fantastic. I ate icecream and walked on trails and saw ducks. I watched a movie with my Mom and downloaded new music and took a nap. So as much as today sucked, as hard as it was, I'm so thankful that there was a bright spot.

I leave on my college trip tomorrow. 16 days, and I'll be seeing my Dad for the first time in 3 years. I need to get away, to take a break from my everyday life. I need this.