Wake Me Up When September Ends...

September Sucked.

I got expelled from the school I've been at since junior high. My small private school. i had to switch schools in the middle of my senior year, to a school where I knew hardly anyone and didn't know how the teachers ran their classes. Still don't.

I got into a horrible car accident and almost killed one of my best friends, myself, and another friend. Totaled my car. Have no way of getting around. Injured my knee pretty badly and now have a limp.

Yes, that's right. I started a brand new school walking about with a limp. I look like I have a disability.

So basically, in the procession of September, I lost my group of girls, my mode of transportation, my physical capability, my comfort zone, and all my money will be going to saving for a new car.

I know I'm lucky to be okay. But it sucks a lot right now.
And no one seems to get that.




I'll write more detailed posts later about each event.

Home Sweet Alaska - The Last Frontier

I grew up in eternal winter. Sledding September through March. I grew up in a city where, in July, it was once recorded to be 38 degrees. Fahrenheit. Where we get an average of 69.5 inches of snow a year. I grew up camping all summer long. Boating and fishing. Wearing sweatshirts in the summer, yes, but being up til 2, 3 a.m because it was still light out. I grew up with moose in my backyard often and bears digging through my garbage occasionally. I've eaten moose roasts and shot a gun and seen whales jump in the WILD. I've always had huge, gorgeous mountains surrounding me. Good hikes just a few miles away. It's beautiful, right out my window. I love it here. Winters are shit ...Difficult. Long. Dark. But my family is here. How can I leave this place?

How can I not?
I have dreams. And as much as I love my home state, can I accomplish them here? Can I be successful at good ole' University of Alaska Anchorage? Will I be able to build my character and person living in the same house as my lovely but pushy Mother? Is it possible for me to really become a woman here?
I wish. I hope. Maybe.
But most likely, I will end up stuck in loads of student debt so I can venture out and grow and become the me of my dreams. Most likely, I will leave this love-it-but-hate-it state and go somewhere with not enough snow and extremely hot (85 is hot...) summers. Somewhere I'll be scared out of my size 24 jeans in a new place with no one I know... But that's how it's going to happen. That's how I'm going to feel okay with studying abroad and changing the world and having a career I can travel the world with. That's how I'll meet someone equally as crazy and globally-minded as me, marrying him, eventually adopting kids from impoverished countries and raising them to be travelers and adventurers and explorers.
Because how can I ever hope to travel the world if I don't even want to leave the state for college? How can I ever raise little multi-cultural children to wander and discover if I'm scared to do it? I can't. So I have to face my fears. Physical, Mental, Financial. I have to face my fears and cry and be homesick until I'm amazing and cultured and experienced. Until all my friends wish they had gone out of state, too. (:

298 Days.

I'm 17 years old.
I know it will all work out.
Just, sometimes I wonder.
I wonder how on earth I can go from this to being a happy... woman.
To being a woman, period.

I'm 17 years old.
Some days, I want to grow up and be married and have a family and just be fabulously happy.

But I wonder, how on earth am I going to get there? How can I go from broken hearted, silly teenager to adult? How does that transition happen? How am I supposed to, in three or five or seven or however many years, have a husband and then eventually a family and do all these happy grown-up things and be on my own? how am I supposed to go to college and be responsible for my own bills and do all my own laundry and vacuuming and cooking?

I think it's easier if you have someone transitioning with you. For the girls bringing their serious boyfriend with them to college, for the person who has someone to help them through it. For the kid whose parents have their college fully paid for. For the people with the twin. But I'm just me, alone, by myself. And very soon, I'm going to be all grown up and facing the real world. Which terrifies me.

In 298 days, I'm going to be legally an adult. I'll be able to open my own blockbuster account and get my own place and go to strip clubs and buy my own plane tickets and claim NOT A DEPENDENT on my taxes and get a credit card. I just have no clue how to be an adult. I have no idea how I'm going to go from me, now, here... to grown up. Adult. Alone.

I'm 17 years old.
298 days til doom day.