Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance, But Sometimes So is "I'm Sorry"

I have had four best friends throughout my high school career. Four girls who I, to this day, love more than anything. Four wonderful, smart, beautiful young women with their lives ahead of them.
These four girls have been my guiding path, my light in the dark, band-aids to my heart. These four girls have been there through it all. Until very recently. And I feel so alone without them.

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari-

I cannot tell you how much I regret when it comes to our friendship. I feel so responsible for the path you walk. You were doing so well, you were recovering. And I made the ridiculous assumption that you could handle anything. That we were the same. We smoked together, a total of four times. If I could take back anything in our friendship, that would be it. You had been doing so well, and those times smoking together, I believe, brought you back into that lifestyle. My decision to smoke with you in turn made you comfortable using again. Which in turn led you to cocaine. Now I miss you more than ever and I feel like you're gone. I call you and you don't answer. I so badly want my Emu back, but I feel like you're lost. And I feel like that's my fault. I'm so sorry.

Alison Leigh Boring-

Out of all the girls, you were the one I knew I'd lose. Ever since our sophomore year, you've been relationally obsessed, or in love, or however you want to say it. You clung to our friendship when you didn't want to be friends. You lied, and often, about when you were allowed to hang out. When I spoke with people about college and you leaving, 4/5 would respond with “Yeah, but Alison's already basically gone anyways”. You've judged my life when you were making equally as bad of decisions. And so I'm letting you go, and I'm trying to do it civilly. You have an amazing life in front of you, and so do I. However, our lives aren't the same. I love having girl friends. You don't need me, or the other girls. And frankly you haven't been present in our lives for the past year + anyways. I will always love you and be there for you if you need me. But I don't need you. I'm really sorry it turned out this way, but it's for the best. I hope your life is filled with happiness and that you laugh more than you cry, and that you are abundantly blessed.

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith-

Darling Liz. So much has happened over the course of our friendship. We've had so many “firsts” together. I care about you so much, but our friendship seems difficult lately. I nearly killed you, Liz. I don't know if that's something I can get over. I can still hear you yelling “Destinee, Oh My God!” and Like a G6 in the background. I can still feel my car being smashed with you in my passenger seat. Since then things have been different. I feel like I need to take care of you, like I'm responsible. I can't imagine losing my Liz. Since then, I feel like you've been sadder. Like you're stressed. Maybe even like you're angry at me. I am so sorry for what happened. I should have been more responsible, I should have been more careful. I'm sorry Liz.

Rachel Ann Jones-

You've always answered your phone when I call, or called me back. This past month I have been less than the desireable friend to you. I am so sorry for not always being there like I should, and for sometimes being selfish in our friendship. This month has been crap for all of us, but I threw myself a mini-pity-party. I focused only on how hurt I was, how much I lost instead of looking at it from your shoes, or anyone elses. I'm so sorry that I wasn't the best friend I'm supposed to be.


Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Sometimes opportunities grow through the pain and mistakes. Sometimes amazing lessons are learned through heartache. Something good is coming for us all, girls. I can feel it. I love you all so much, no matter where life has taken us. Thank you for this journey of friendship.

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

September Sucked.

I got expelled from the school I've been at since junior high. My small private school. i had to switch schools in the middle of my senior year, to a school where I knew hardly anyone and didn't know how the teachers ran their classes. Still don't.

I got into a horrible car accident and almost killed one of my best friends, myself, and another friend. Totaled my car. Have no way of getting around. Injured my knee pretty badly and now have a limp.

Yes, that's right. I started a brand new school walking about with a limp. I look like I have a disability.

So basically, in the procession of September, I lost my group of girls, my mode of transportation, my physical capability, my comfort zone, and all my money will be going to saving for a new car.

I know I'm lucky to be okay. But it sucks a lot right now.
And no one seems to get that.




I'll write more detailed posts later about each event.

My Girls

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith

Rachel Ann Jones

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari

Alison Leigh Boring


Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we don't get along. Sometimes, we're bitches. Sometimes we're not there for each other when we need to be. Sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes, we say the right thing at the wrong time. Sometimes we talk behind each other's backs. Sometimes we don't know what to say, how to help. Sometimes it's hard to forgive each other and move on.

But always and forever, we will care about each other. Always and no matter what, if one of us truly needed the others, we would all be there.
These girls are my support, my backbone, my strength. These girls have held me when I cried and picked me up at 2 a.m to support me. These girls have said "I don't know what to say, but you're strong and you can do this." when I didn't know how I would. These girls have drawn me pictures and written me letters to encourage me. They've stayed on the phone all night with me.
No matter what shit we go through. No matter who says what. No matter how hard it is to keep our friendships going.
Ladies, you are my forever friends, my bosom buddies, my best friends. My soul mates in friendship form.

Thank you for everything. I know I don't say that enough. Thank you for being there.

Summer Goals

-Have a barbecue (May 23, '10)

-Go to the zoo

-Slip 'n slide

-Play hopscotch

-Win something (September 5, '10)

-Go camping (May 20, '10)

-Go on a real date (where you get picked up and the boy pays) (July 24, '10)

-Smoke the green (May 21, '10)

-Make lemonade from full lemons (August 1, '10)

-Go to a real party and get completely trashed (May 21, '10)

-Eat a scone (June 24, '10)

-Go to an actual beach (one with sand) (June 29, '10)

-Wash my car in a bikini

-Catch a butterfly

-Go boating

-Read 25 books

-Have a 'girls night' (May 9, '10)

-Go to the fair and go on the slingshot

-Break the state's curfew law (June 29 '10)

-Go on a road trip

-Have a summer fling

-Plant a tree

-Blow bubbles out the car window

-Sneak out of my window

-Climb a tree (June 6, '10)

-Paint the senior rock (May 12, '10)

-Swing on a tire swing

-Pull a real all nighter

-Find a type of coffee that I enjoy (June 24, '10)

-Watch the sun rise

-Learn how to make a flower crown

-Go for a walk during a rainstorm (July 14, '10)

-Have the best summer of my life <3


It's on. I will not start my senior year til I've done all of these things.