I dont want to marry you.

I'm eighteen years old. Young, to most. Too young to get married, in my own opinion. I'm not ready, and that's fine. But I may be ready in 2-3 years.
There are two ways to end up married.
The way I want to start my future marriage is by dating someone who ends up being my best friend, and slowly becoming so intertwined in each other's lives that we don't want to spend a day without each other. This will be a slow process, I'm sure. It'll take a couple years. So I figured I should talk to Matt and see if he felt the potential was there for our relationship to eventually develop that way. Because for me, it was a no brainer. We're best friends. We rarely fight and when we do we make up fast. We spend every day together. We love each other.
Apparently not so obvious to him. He wants the second type, where romance and passion are so strong it hits him in the face. He wants to meet a girl and just KNOW she's "the one". And that's not there when he looks at me.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". I think that Matt and I could have been happy together. We have similar life plans and we make each other laugh. He knows me inside and out, and I know him. But since we have different views on how we want our future marriages to go, it'll never be. Because even if we stay together for another year and he decides he wants to marry me, I'll feel like he settled.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to break up?"
"No."
It doesn't make sense to me and it hurts so bad. Because from here on out, my relationship with Matt is just wasting my time. There is no future for us. But I don't want to be without him....
Because he's Matt. Because he knows that I hate ice in any drink besides water. Because when I'm sick or on my period he sits and holds me and rubs my feet to help me feel better. Because he knows my Chinese order by heart. Because he believes in me when I'm not sure I believe in myself. Because he holds me when I cry, and I can't imagine crying and him not being there.
I know we won't end up together. I know we will have to break up eventually. I know I shouldn't stay somewhere where there is no progress. But I just can't leave right now. I love him too much.
My hearts a little broken, but how much more broken would it be if we weren't together?

Singularity, Senior Year and the De-Complicatedness-Ing of My Life.

Once apon a time, I was a wee one.



I was a little girl who played and was silly. I didn't think much about who I was, as a human being. I had a wonderful, loving family, and toys. And that was all that mattered.



...Then I grew up.



Now, I don't know who I am. There are so many different sides of me, I get lost trying to stick to one.

Sometimes, I'm single.



... Sometimes I'm not.



Sometimes I feel as if I'm country at heart.



And then I remember how preppy I am and how much I love the city.



Sometimes, I feel all maternal and cannot wait to grow up and be a mother.



Sometimes, I never want to grow up and love being a crazy, reckless teen.




Sometimes, I cook, or am crafty and domestic.



(yes, i homemade that pizza. even the crust. and made that lampshade. even the frame.)



...Sometimes I just am so not.



But no matter what the world tries to shape me into....



I'm still me. And that's what matters, right?



Maybe I'll grow up and be a midwife, a teacher, a nurse. Maybe I'll be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'll travel the world. Maybe I'll stay right here in good old AK. I don't know what the future holds, and frankly, I'm trying not to stress it. God has a plan and a purpose. It's gonna fall into place no matter what I do. So for now, I stop being paranoid about my future. I've got ten days of summer left. Then, I've got one year of high school. I'm not going to stress the details. it doesn't really matter where I go to school. It doesn't really matter where I live 20 years from now. None of it matters. I'm going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Or else none of it will be meaningful, anyways. I'm going to have the best year ever... I'm going to enjoy every last minute with my family. I'm going to make crazy memories with my best friends. I'm going to stay single, and just enjoy being me. As complicated and confusing as that can be. I'm going to love my life.

First Love.

Lately I've been thinking about how much I love Tyler. Yes, love. Teenage love. I think it exists, but, I am a teenager afterall. Tyler and I have been together for 13 mo straight / 19 mo total, and I know a year is nothing compared to couples married for 50, 60 years, but I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. Not even when I didn't get to talk to him for 12 days. No one else seems right, no one else seems to fit, and I have no desire to look for anyone else.
Maybe someday this will end. Maybe someday he'll be a story I tell my children, my children with someone else. Maybe someday this will all be memories, memories of my first love. But for now, it's amazing, its wonderful, it feels great. For now I'm content knowing tomorrow his locker will be next to mine and we'll hold hands. For now it's nice to know that he's there to listen to me and hold me. That we love eachother like nothing else. The possibility that we maybe, someday will be forever, lurking on the horizon will be ignored for now. The possibility that someday we will be with other people, completely ignored for today. For now I'm satisfied to be in love. I'm happy where I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"If I could turn back time, I'd choose you all over again."