I dont want to marry you.

I'm eighteen years old. Young, to most. Too young to get married, in my own opinion. I'm not ready, and that's fine. But I may be ready in 2-3 years.
There are two ways to end up married.
The way I want to start my future marriage is by dating someone who ends up being my best friend, and slowly becoming so intertwined in each other's lives that we don't want to spend a day without each other. This will be a slow process, I'm sure. It'll take a couple years. So I figured I should talk to Matt and see if he felt the potential was there for our relationship to eventually develop that way. Because for me, it was a no brainer. We're best friends. We rarely fight and when we do we make up fast. We spend every day together. We love each other.
Apparently not so obvious to him. He wants the second type, where romance and passion are so strong it hits him in the face. He wants to meet a girl and just KNOW she's "the one". And that's not there when he looks at me.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". I think that Matt and I could have been happy together. We have similar life plans and we make each other laugh. He knows me inside and out, and I know him. But since we have different views on how we want our future marriages to go, it'll never be. Because even if we stay together for another year and he decides he wants to marry me, I'll feel like he settled.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to break up?"
"No."
It doesn't make sense to me and it hurts so bad. Because from here on out, my relationship with Matt is just wasting my time. There is no future for us. But I don't want to be without him....
Because he's Matt. Because he knows that I hate ice in any drink besides water. Because when I'm sick or on my period he sits and holds me and rubs my feet to help me feel better. Because he knows my Chinese order by heart. Because he believes in me when I'm not sure I believe in myself. Because he holds me when I cry, and I can't imagine crying and him not being there.
I know we won't end up together. I know we will have to break up eventually. I know I shouldn't stay somewhere where there is no progress. But I just can't leave right now. I love him too much.
My hearts a little broken, but how much more broken would it be if we weren't together?

What is Love?

What is love, anyways? How do we know when we've found it?

Is it the moment when you first imagine that person in your life, for forever and always, and it seems like the best plan you've ever had?

Is love the moment you can't imagine your life without that person?

Is it the moment you commit? The day when you decide that he's the one, no matter what, and you'll spend forever with him no matter what comes your way?

You hear of people who fall in love after two weeks. Two weeks, and they know.
And it's real.

Then you hear of the people who date for years, and years, and years.
And then they break up.

What is love?

I want to be in love. I want to be in love so badly it hurts. I feel the desire in my hands, when I walk with out that someone special by me. I feel it at night, when no one wraps their arms around me. I feel it breaking me a little every time I see someone else in love.

But I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect. I want the kisses to be knee buckling. I want my heart to pound right out of my chest. I want it to be comfortable, to feel like coming home. I want it to be right.

But for now, I'm trying not to fall in love. I'm pushing it away. I don't know if it's because I'm waiting for it to be right... or because I'm scared that it'll happen and I won't be ready... or if I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just let loose, and see what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up alone.

I feel like no matter what I do, my heart will break. Either someone will break it for me, or I'll end up alone and it will break of loneliness. I just don't know which one will hurt me less.

I want to be in love.
But what is love, anyways?

Kiss and Tell

Last night, I was trying to list all the boys I've ever kissed. I knew I was forgetting one. Someone said to me, "When you can't remember everyone you've kissed is when you become a slut..." They said it as a joke. They weren't serious. But somehow, it got to me.

Today Justin and i broke up. It was very mutual and we decided to be friends. It doesn't hurt. And so I wonder, is that bad? We went out for three months and hung out as if were dating for the month before that. Four months, and breaking up doesn't hurt. I feel like maybe I lost my capabilities to fall in love when Tyler fell out of love with me. Maybe, one really horrible break up makes it so you can never move on.

I still feel broken over it sometimes. Not over Skylar. Not over Justin. Over Tyler. We weren't meant to be, we shouldn't be together, we never will again. Yet sometimes I wonder what I'd say if he came back. I wonder if my heart still belongs to him. Normally I say no. But sometimes... sometimes, I wonder.

So, I've been thinking... Mainly because I feel like I need to think about who I am, and what I want in a boy.... And if I'm even okay with everything going on in my heart. Or my head. Or really, the fact that I'm just not feeling anything....

Eight Boys. Eight Boys who's lives I've touched, in some small way. Eight boys who had some small connection with me. Eight boys who have changed my life, some in huge ways and some in small ones.

So, to :
Marcus Mikowski
Joe Trull
Tyler Houston
Turner Rodgers
Brandon Jones
Patric Catalano
Skylar King-Strang
Justin Luiten

For better or for worse, boys. You all have changed me and molded me into the girl I am woman I'm becoming. For better or for worse, I am who I am, a big part of it because of you. So thank you for the steps you helped me take. And thank you for times I fell because you pushed me. I am stronger, I am more confident. I am capable. I gave you each a piece of me, some a very small piece and some, part of my heart. Some of you have hurt me, and some of you I've hurt. But we learn, we grow, we change. So thank you for everything. I don't regret any of you.

He's Just Not That In To You.

I used to play. Barbies, Babydolls. I used to fantasize about weddings and families and being swept off my feet by Mr. Right. I've watched a million girly romantic comedies, hoping that someday someone would do something just as sweet for me. I used to be thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... waiting, hoping that "this" was it. That he was HIM.

But it never was. I've dated, but never had the romance of it all. Even in a near 2 year relationship, it was never romantic. it was more practical. I've received flowers twice from boys (and one of those times was because I asked for them for Valentines Day when it was asked what I wanted). I've never been on a real date.

I'm not complaining, but I think I may be settling. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm finally facing reality.

The romance is dead.

I quit waiting around to fall head over heels. I'm done wishing for sweethearts. I quit hoping that boys will have cute, surprisingly romantic gestures for me. I'm done waiting for Prince Charming to bring me back my god damn slipper I threw right in front of his face. I'm done waiting for someone to say "Oh, I'll get it" to the check.

I want reliable, dependable. I want someone who actually wants me. But maybe, to find that, I need to get rid of my fantasies.

I give up on romance, because even if it does exist, somewhere, my chick flicks have taught me one thing.

When it comes to life...
There is a rule. And there is an exception.
But the exception is just that - it's the exception.
And I am always going to be the rule.

First Love.

Lately I've been thinking about how much I love Tyler. Yes, love. Teenage love. I think it exists, but, I am a teenager afterall. Tyler and I have been together for 13 mo straight / 19 mo total, and I know a year is nothing compared to couples married for 50, 60 years, but I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. Not even when I didn't get to talk to him for 12 days. No one else seems right, no one else seems to fit, and I have no desire to look for anyone else.
Maybe someday this will end. Maybe someday he'll be a story I tell my children, my children with someone else. Maybe someday this will all be memories, memories of my first love. But for now, it's amazing, its wonderful, it feels great. For now I'm content knowing tomorrow his locker will be next to mine and we'll hold hands. For now it's nice to know that he's there to listen to me and hold me. That we love eachother like nothing else. The possibility that we maybe, someday will be forever, lurking on the horizon will be ignored for now. The possibility that someday we will be with other people, completely ignored for today. For now I'm satisfied to be in love. I'm happy where I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"If I could turn back time, I'd choose you all over again."