I dont want to marry you.

I'm eighteen years old. Young, to most. Too young to get married, in my own opinion. I'm not ready, and that's fine. But I may be ready in 2-3 years.
There are two ways to end up married.
The way I want to start my future marriage is by dating someone who ends up being my best friend, and slowly becoming so intertwined in each other's lives that we don't want to spend a day without each other. This will be a slow process, I'm sure. It'll take a couple years. So I figured I should talk to Matt and see if he felt the potential was there for our relationship to eventually develop that way. Because for me, it was a no brainer. We're best friends. We rarely fight and when we do we make up fast. We spend every day together. We love each other.
Apparently not so obvious to him. He wants the second type, where romance and passion are so strong it hits him in the face. He wants to meet a girl and just KNOW she's "the one". And that's not there when he looks at me.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". I think that Matt and I could have been happy together. We have similar life plans and we make each other laugh. He knows me inside and out, and I know him. But since we have different views on how we want our future marriages to go, it'll never be. Because even if we stay together for another year and he decides he wants to marry me, I'll feel like he settled.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to break up?"
"No."
It doesn't make sense to me and it hurts so bad. Because from here on out, my relationship with Matt is just wasting my time. There is no future for us. But I don't want to be without him....
Because he's Matt. Because he knows that I hate ice in any drink besides water. Because when I'm sick or on my period he sits and holds me and rubs my feet to help me feel better. Because he knows my Chinese order by heart. Because he believes in me when I'm not sure I believe in myself. Because he holds me when I cry, and I can't imagine crying and him not being there.
I know we won't end up together. I know we will have to break up eventually. I know I shouldn't stay somewhere where there is no progress. But I just can't leave right now. I love him too much.
My hearts a little broken, but how much more broken would it be if we weren't together?

My Maybe Baby.

"You may get through it, but you will never get over it."

I have been struggling with the decision to write about this, but I need to get it out somehow. It's time for me to write it out, and maybe that will finally help me get over it. Maybe I will be able to not think about it for a day or two. This post has been sitting for 4 months, and maybe once every week or two I'll add something more. Delete something out. Try to explain how I feel, but I don't know how to. So I'm sorry if it's jumbled and sucks, but it's what I've got and I'm going with it.

The Friday before graduation I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Laying in bed together. Whispering sweet nothings and saying I love you's. I got up, fully clothed, to see blood on the bed where I was laying. This type of thing had been happening for a while. I chalked it up to just being a really weird period. However, I had been bleeding for over two weeks. So, Matt told me I needed to call and make a doctors appointment.

I called and scheduled an appointment for one week later, the following Friday. The receptionist asked what I was coming in for, and when I explained she put me on hold. Next thing I know, I'm talking to a case manager who's telling me I need to come in today. That maybe I should be in the E.R. To come in right now. She uses other scary words, too. "Chlamydia... Gonorrhea... Cervical Infection..."

I didn't want to go in, at all. I felt like this was being blown out of proportion. Matt decided to come with me, and we drove right to the hospital. I told him I wanted to go back alone, so he stayed in the waiting room. I explained what was going on to the nurse and she had me do a urine test and a swab test. Then the doctor came in and I explained one more time.

"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?"
"No, not really. I mean, I'm having a period. So no."
"Well, you did test positive for pregnancy today....."
(She continues to talk but I don't remember what was said)
"I'm sorry, I'm not listening to anything you're saying right now."
"Your boyfriend is here, right?"
"Yeah, he's in the waiting room."
"Would you like me to go get him?"
"Yes please."

Matt and I have been dating for not quite three months at this point. Pregnancy is not something either of us were hoping for, and I'm terrified of what he's going to say. I don't think I can tell him, but he knows right away. He guesses. He sits down and holds my hand, while the doctor explains that the bleeding probably isn't a good sign, but that we need to do a blood draw to see how far along the potential pregnancy is. She leaves, and Matt and I are now alone. I can't stop laughing, not because it's funny, but because I'm scared shitless. Matt is SO. CALM. Holding my hand, telling me we'll be all right. I'm pacing. Trying to call one of the girls. No one's answering. Finally I get ahold of Rachel, and she's on the way. And then Alison too.

And then we're all in the room together, wondering what this means. And then they're drawing my blood. And then we wait, and talk, for an hour. And then the nurse comes in and hands me an appointment for an ultrasound, and tells me my HCG level is 171. Low, but there.

We all leave but the doctor calls me back on my own to talk to me about...it. About getting it taken care of. She gives me some phone numbers of financing places and such. I never really told anyone because I wasn't 100% sure, but in that moment, I wanted it out. Gone. I didn't want to deal with it.

We all go to Red Robin and Matt is still SO CALM AND IT'S KILLING ME. I want to freak out, but I want to freak out together. We talk about the potential baby and the girls just assume if it's a real pregnancy I'll keep it. They just assume that in maybe 8-9 months, I'll have a kid. That does not sound appetizing to me, and I'm freaking out.

The next night I'm bleeding a lot. I'm sitting on the toilet and blood is just falling out of me, and I'm sure I'm miscarrying. But something doesn't feel right, and so I call my sister who has me come over. She says something doesn't look right, so we go to the Emergency Room. Everything's okay, but I'm miscarrying. 113. Suddenly, it all did matter, and I'm sad about it.

I call Matt and we spend Monday in bed together, talking. I had had another appointment that morning to make sure I was miscarrying normally, and was waiting for a phone call to make sure. While laying in bed, I got the call. Still somehow, somewhere, pregnant. 196. I'm terrified, because these “ups and downs aren't normal.” I'm graduating today.

Another appointment on Wednesday. 326. “Not doubling the way it should.” “Not a healthy pregnancy.” “Medicated abortion necessary, today if possible.” No. Not today, I can't make a decision that fast. Tomorrow morning? “This could be a serious condition, it looks like a tubal pregnancy.”

Another day spent in bed with Matt, him holding me, me sobbing. “I wanted it. I wanted it. I would have kept the baby.” My heart broke in a way I cannot even describe, and finally I decided I wouldn't do it. I would wait it out, because I couldn't imagine dealing with having done that every day for the rest of my life. Matt stood by my decision. We talk about names, and what we'll tell our parents, and what we're going to do if this ends up being real, even though we know there's no real chance.

I see a specialist who doesn't know what's going on. He can't explain it, except for a tubal pregnancy. I go in every 2 days, and the numbers are rising extremely slow. My heart breaks more for the baby I know won't be mine.

Eventually the numbers start to drop. Slowly. Not fast enough, and I'm still bleeding. But they give me the okay to go to Hawaii, because now we know I'm miscarrying. I go to Hawaii for ten days and am bleeding the whole time, which puts my bleeding at 6 weeks.

I get home and we start to plan a D&C. It's planned, when finally I stop bleeding, making the surgery unneccesary. It's all over, but for some reason this pregnancy being over hurts more than anything.

Having a baby wasn't and isn't part of my plan right now. It would suck. But every day, thinking back about the 4 weeks when I thought about being a mother breaks my heart. It hurts so bad. Matt and I are doing amazing, and having a baby definitely wouldn't have been benificial to our relationship. But for some reason, knowing that doesn't make not having our baby hurt any less. It's hard to explain... But I don't want another baby. I want to graduate college and get married before it's time for that. I just wanted that baby, in that moment.

Life goes on, and things are great for me right now. I love Matt more than anything. School is great. Honestly I am so happy right now... But I can't stop thinking about it.

What is Love?

What is love, anyways? How do we know when we've found it?

Is it the moment when you first imagine that person in your life, for forever and always, and it seems like the best plan you've ever had?

Is love the moment you can't imagine your life without that person?

Is it the moment you commit? The day when you decide that he's the one, no matter what, and you'll spend forever with him no matter what comes your way?

You hear of people who fall in love after two weeks. Two weeks, and they know.
And it's real.

Then you hear of the people who date for years, and years, and years.
And then they break up.

What is love?

I want to be in love. I want to be in love so badly it hurts. I feel the desire in my hands, when I walk with out that someone special by me. I feel it at night, when no one wraps their arms around me. I feel it breaking me a little every time I see someone else in love.

But I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect. I want the kisses to be knee buckling. I want my heart to pound right out of my chest. I want it to be comfortable, to feel like coming home. I want it to be right.

But for now, I'm trying not to fall in love. I'm pushing it away. I don't know if it's because I'm waiting for it to be right... or because I'm scared that it'll happen and I won't be ready... or if I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just let loose, and see what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up alone.

I feel like no matter what I do, my heart will break. Either someone will break it for me, or I'll end up alone and it will break of loneliness. I just don't know which one will hurt me less.

I want to be in love.
But what is love, anyways?

He's Just Not That In To You.

I used to play. Barbies, Babydolls. I used to fantasize about weddings and families and being swept off my feet by Mr. Right. I've watched a million girly romantic comedies, hoping that someday someone would do something just as sweet for me. I used to be thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... waiting, hoping that "this" was it. That he was HIM.

But it never was. I've dated, but never had the romance of it all. Even in a near 2 year relationship, it was never romantic. it was more practical. I've received flowers twice from boys (and one of those times was because I asked for them for Valentines Day when it was asked what I wanted). I've never been on a real date.

I'm not complaining, but I think I may be settling. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm finally facing reality.

The romance is dead.

I quit waiting around to fall head over heels. I'm done wishing for sweethearts. I quit hoping that boys will have cute, surprisingly romantic gestures for me. I'm done waiting for Prince Charming to bring me back my god damn slipper I threw right in front of his face. I'm done waiting for someone to say "Oh, I'll get it" to the check.

I want reliable, dependable. I want someone who actually wants me. But maybe, to find that, I need to get rid of my fantasies.

I give up on romance, because even if it does exist, somewhere, my chick flicks have taught me one thing.

When it comes to life...
There is a rule. And there is an exception.
But the exception is just that - it's the exception.
And I am always going to be the rule.

First Love.

Lately I've been thinking about how much I love Tyler. Yes, love. Teenage love. I think it exists, but, I am a teenager afterall. Tyler and I have been together for 13 mo straight / 19 mo total, and I know a year is nothing compared to couples married for 50, 60 years, but I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. Not even when I didn't get to talk to him for 12 days. No one else seems right, no one else seems to fit, and I have no desire to look for anyone else.
Maybe someday this will end. Maybe someday he'll be a story I tell my children, my children with someone else. Maybe someday this will all be memories, memories of my first love. But for now, it's amazing, its wonderful, it feels great. For now I'm content knowing tomorrow his locker will be next to mine and we'll hold hands. For now it's nice to know that he's there to listen to me and hold me. That we love eachother like nothing else. The possibility that we maybe, someday will be forever, lurking on the horizon will be ignored for now. The possibility that someday we will be with other people, completely ignored for today. For now I'm satisfied to be in love. I'm happy where I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"If I could turn back time, I'd choose you all over again."