Matt

Matt.
I can't sleep.
We've been to hell and back. Honestly if a relationship could go worse in the first four months, I don't know how...
Yet under the worst of circumstances, I suppose I fell in love.
I did. I fell in love with you. With the way you take care of me. With your smile. With your pathetic jokes and how every time I say "Guess what?" You say "Chicken Butt?", even though you know that's not it. I love the little things. How well you know me. How when you made me dinner, you cut the crust off my bread because you know I don't like it. The fact that you'll surprise me and drive me an hour and a half to my favorite ice cream place. That you will hold me while I cry and tell me it's all okay.
You really have stood by me through it all. I don't know how we've managed to keep this relationship going through everything we've been through, but together we're strong. Together we're unstoppable.
I don't know how long this will last, if you're going to leave and join the military, or if we're always going to be like this. All I know is that I think you're wonderful. I can't imagine these past few months without you. I don't know how I could have done it.
Thank you so much, for being you. You are amazing. I love you.

What is Love?

What is love, anyways? How do we know when we've found it?

Is it the moment when you first imagine that person in your life, for forever and always, and it seems like the best plan you've ever had?

Is love the moment you can't imagine your life without that person?

Is it the moment you commit? The day when you decide that he's the one, no matter what, and you'll spend forever with him no matter what comes your way?

You hear of people who fall in love after two weeks. Two weeks, and they know.
And it's real.

Then you hear of the people who date for years, and years, and years.
And then they break up.

What is love?

I want to be in love. I want to be in love so badly it hurts. I feel the desire in my hands, when I walk with out that someone special by me. I feel it at night, when no one wraps their arms around me. I feel it breaking me a little every time I see someone else in love.

But I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect. I want the kisses to be knee buckling. I want my heart to pound right out of my chest. I want it to be comfortable, to feel like coming home. I want it to be right.

But for now, I'm trying not to fall in love. I'm pushing it away. I don't know if it's because I'm waiting for it to be right... or because I'm scared that it'll happen and I won't be ready... or if I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just let loose, and see what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up alone.

I feel like no matter what I do, my heart will break. Either someone will break it for me, or I'll end up alone and it will break of loneliness. I just don't know which one will hurt me less.

I want to be in love.
But what is love, anyways?

He's Just Not That In To You.

I used to play. Barbies, Babydolls. I used to fantasize about weddings and families and being swept off my feet by Mr. Right. I've watched a million girly romantic comedies, hoping that someday someone would do something just as sweet for me. I used to be thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... waiting, hoping that "this" was it. That he was HIM.

But it never was. I've dated, but never had the romance of it all. Even in a near 2 year relationship, it was never romantic. it was more practical. I've received flowers twice from boys (and one of those times was because I asked for them for Valentines Day when it was asked what I wanted). I've never been on a real date.

I'm not complaining, but I think I may be settling. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm finally facing reality.

The romance is dead.

I quit waiting around to fall head over heels. I'm done wishing for sweethearts. I quit hoping that boys will have cute, surprisingly romantic gestures for me. I'm done waiting for Prince Charming to bring me back my god damn slipper I threw right in front of his face. I'm done waiting for someone to say "Oh, I'll get it" to the check.

I want reliable, dependable. I want someone who actually wants me. But maybe, to find that, I need to get rid of my fantasies.

I give up on romance, because even if it does exist, somewhere, my chick flicks have taught me one thing.

When it comes to life...
There is a rule. And there is an exception.
But the exception is just that - it's the exception.
And I am always going to be the rule.

Life and Love As Told At Seventeen.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Life is made up of a million little moments. Some don't matter at all and are forgotten almost immediately. Some are so wonderful that you'll remember them forever. Some hurt so much they will never be forgotten.
There are some things I don't ever want to forget. The way the ocean smells, the feeling of the sun, warm on your skin. The excitement of the first snow of winter. These are the little moments that fill my heart and make it overflow. However, there are more moments, closer and more specific memories that I hope to retain forever. Kind words from friends and inspirational comments from teachers. Memories of times I was particularly witty or clever. Memories of moments when I was happy and content with everything, relaxing with friends. Memories of a first love.


The Beginning...


There are also some things I would like to forget, but probably never will. Things that have made me a stronger woman, yet broke me in the process. Memories of a father who didn't love his family enough to stop, of a father who hurt instead of loving. Memories of friends who tore me down when I needed them to be there, friends who didn't stick by my side when the going got tough. Memories of my first love falling out of love, and leaving.


The Middle...

Tyler and I went out for right around 22 months total. High School or not, I was head over heels. He was going to be “the one”. I was committed, even when I shouldn't have been, even as it became plain that things weren't going to work out as we had hoped. After a couple months, there came a point in the relationship when we both knew that it wasn't going to work.
When Tyler and I realized our differences were too great, that we didn't belong together, and that he just plain didn't love me, I felt broken. I had given him every part of me, let him into every chamber of my heart. I had trusted him, and he had ripped it all to pieces.
It hasn't been long. Six weeks ago, my heart broke in ways I didn't know were possible. Six weeks ago, after 22 months, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart.
Piece by piece, I've started to put my heart back together again. I've eaten chocolate and listened to inspirational music all about being strong and independent. I've begun to learn how to love myself, even when I don't have some guy sitting there loving me back.




The End.


I read a quote once that I wish I had understood months ago. “Before you can be someones other half, you must first be whole on your own.” I don't think I've ever really figured out how to be complete within myself, and I'm sure that made my half of the relationship very draining for Tyler, just like at times it was very difficult to be Tyler's girlfriend. Neither of us were capable of being our own person. This is something I've enjoyed figuring out how to be, yet detested.
I've enjoyed meeting new people and building relationships. I've enjoyed getting to know old friends better. I'm figuring out who I am, on my own, without pressure or influence from anyone else.
Tomorrow might not be easy, and maybe not the next day either. Trusting people is hard, and I'm terrified my friends are going to abandon me. I'm fearful of letting people get too close, of caring too much, of letting anyone in enough to where they could hurt me.
But in time, I'll heal. In time I'll move one. Eventually I'll trust again. There will be more heartache in my life. I will have moments that break and build me.
But that's life. There are moments of joy and contentment, but also of pain and sadness. And the pain and sadness are what makes us grow stronger and shows us who we are as individuals. No one wants to have their heart broken, but sometimes it's for the better. No one would choose to walk a street of hurt, but that street makes you so much stronger when you turn the corner.
I will love again. Someday, a relationship will surprise me. Someday I'll have that special connection between a boy and a girl again. I'll be more cautious and it won't be without fear. But in time I'll find someone who makes me laugh more than I cry. Someone who gives me butterflies. Someone who understands that letting myself fall in love won't be easy, but is willing to love me anyways.
As difficult as this has been, I've learned a lot. I've discovered who I am and I've grown stronger. And as much as this has hurt, I don't regret any of it.