Kiss and Tell

Last night, I was trying to list all the boys I've ever kissed. I knew I was forgetting one. Someone said to me, "When you can't remember everyone you've kissed is when you become a slut..." They said it as a joke. They weren't serious. But somehow, it got to me.

Today Justin and i broke up. It was very mutual and we decided to be friends. It doesn't hurt. And so I wonder, is that bad? We went out for three months and hung out as if were dating for the month before that. Four months, and breaking up doesn't hurt. I feel like maybe I lost my capabilities to fall in love when Tyler fell out of love with me. Maybe, one really horrible break up makes it so you can never move on.

I still feel broken over it sometimes. Not over Skylar. Not over Justin. Over Tyler. We weren't meant to be, we shouldn't be together, we never will again. Yet sometimes I wonder what I'd say if he came back. I wonder if my heart still belongs to him. Normally I say no. But sometimes... sometimes, I wonder.

So, I've been thinking... Mainly because I feel like I need to think about who I am, and what I want in a boy.... And if I'm even okay with everything going on in my heart. Or my head. Or really, the fact that I'm just not feeling anything....

Eight Boys. Eight Boys who's lives I've touched, in some small way. Eight boys who had some small connection with me. Eight boys who have changed my life, some in huge ways and some in small ones.

So, to :
Marcus Mikowski
Joe Trull
Tyler Houston
Turner Rodgers
Brandon Jones
Patric Catalano
Skylar King-Strang
Justin Luiten

For better or for worse, boys. You all have changed me and molded me into the girl I am woman I'm becoming. For better or for worse, I am who I am, a big part of it because of you. So thank you for the steps you helped me take. And thank you for times I fell because you pushed me. I am stronger, I am more confident. I am capable. I gave you each a piece of me, some a very small piece and some, part of my heart. Some of you have hurt me, and some of you I've hurt. But we learn, we grow, we change. So thank you for everything. I don't regret any of you.

Dreamer

I still dream about things that I shouldn't.

I've pushed him out of my days. Out of my conscious days. I've moved on, with my mind, my body, my heart.

But when I finally drift off, When I let my mind go, When I fall asleep...

There he is. In my sleep, I can't hold him back. Nearly every night for the past couple weeks, I've dreamt of him.

It's the worst. I wake up and realize all over again that he's gone. I wake up, and my heart breaks over and over again. I wake up, and he's not mine anymore.

I feel like I'm over him. I've moved on, and Skylar makes me happy, at least today. :) But somehow, every night, I dream of him.

What does it even mean? Why, when (during the day time), can I not think about him for days at a time, but every single night, he fills my head? Why can't I be completely over him, 24/7?

I hate falling asleep. I just want him out of my head.

Feelings and a Trilby Hat.

Butterflies? Whaaaaaaaat? Maybe it's a rebound. Oh, God. I hope it's a rebound. I can absolutely not handle liking a boy right now.

But here he is. Smiling, in that rediculous trilby hat that I love. Saying the most adorable things. Driving around, listening to music I would never have heard of without him. Carwashes. Bubbles. Icecream. Snuggling. Talking about nonsensical things, and about our beliefs. Driving to pretty places and looking at the sky.

Oh, God.
I wish it would all go away.
Or that I could take 30 seconds to sort through my mangled feelings, to understand whats going on in my head, and under that hat of his. 30 seconds to decide if its okay to like someone else. To have funny feelings in my stomach when someone says “Skylar” or “sky” or “pie” or anything that rhymes with the previous mentioned. 30 seconds to examine my little heart and see if its healed enough. To know if I'm ready to let myself be in like again.

I really wish I could control my emotions. That I could make it all go away, and focus on being me. Being happy and single and having fun.
But the thing is, I have fun with him. When I'm with him, I'm happy. He makes me smile, and laugh. He makes me try new things. He makes my feet dance to new music. He makes my heart happy. Its just after that. When I'm at home. Sitting all alone. That I'm terrified. Horrified at the fact that I let him get close. That maybe, someday, eventually, he might have enough of me that he could hurt me.
Please, let this just be a rebound. These feelings are more than I can handle.

Life and Love As Told At Seventeen.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Life is made up of a million little moments. Some don't matter at all and are forgotten almost immediately. Some are so wonderful that you'll remember them forever. Some hurt so much they will never be forgotten.
There are some things I don't ever want to forget. The way the ocean smells, the feeling of the sun, warm on your skin. The excitement of the first snow of winter. These are the little moments that fill my heart and make it overflow. However, there are more moments, closer and more specific memories that I hope to retain forever. Kind words from friends and inspirational comments from teachers. Memories of times I was particularly witty or clever. Memories of moments when I was happy and content with everything, relaxing with friends. Memories of a first love.


The Beginning...


There are also some things I would like to forget, but probably never will. Things that have made me a stronger woman, yet broke me in the process. Memories of a father who didn't love his family enough to stop, of a father who hurt instead of loving. Memories of friends who tore me down when I needed them to be there, friends who didn't stick by my side when the going got tough. Memories of my first love falling out of love, and leaving.


The Middle...

Tyler and I went out for right around 22 months total. High School or not, I was head over heels. He was going to be “the one”. I was committed, even when I shouldn't have been, even as it became plain that things weren't going to work out as we had hoped. After a couple months, there came a point in the relationship when we both knew that it wasn't going to work.
When Tyler and I realized our differences were too great, that we didn't belong together, and that he just plain didn't love me, I felt broken. I had given him every part of me, let him into every chamber of my heart. I had trusted him, and he had ripped it all to pieces.
It hasn't been long. Six weeks ago, my heart broke in ways I didn't know were possible. Six weeks ago, after 22 months, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart.
Piece by piece, I've started to put my heart back together again. I've eaten chocolate and listened to inspirational music all about being strong and independent. I've begun to learn how to love myself, even when I don't have some guy sitting there loving me back.




The End.


I read a quote once that I wish I had understood months ago. “Before you can be someones other half, you must first be whole on your own.” I don't think I've ever really figured out how to be complete within myself, and I'm sure that made my half of the relationship very draining for Tyler, just like at times it was very difficult to be Tyler's girlfriend. Neither of us were capable of being our own person. This is something I've enjoyed figuring out how to be, yet detested.
I've enjoyed meeting new people and building relationships. I've enjoyed getting to know old friends better. I'm figuring out who I am, on my own, without pressure or influence from anyone else.
Tomorrow might not be easy, and maybe not the next day either. Trusting people is hard, and I'm terrified my friends are going to abandon me. I'm fearful of letting people get too close, of caring too much, of letting anyone in enough to where they could hurt me.
But in time, I'll heal. In time I'll move one. Eventually I'll trust again. There will be more heartache in my life. I will have moments that break and build me.
But that's life. There are moments of joy and contentment, but also of pain and sadness. And the pain and sadness are what makes us grow stronger and shows us who we are as individuals. No one wants to have their heart broken, but sometimes it's for the better. No one would choose to walk a street of hurt, but that street makes you so much stronger when you turn the corner.
I will love again. Someday, a relationship will surprise me. Someday I'll have that special connection between a boy and a girl again. I'll be more cautious and it won't be without fear. But in time I'll find someone who makes me laugh more than I cry. Someone who gives me butterflies. Someone who understands that letting myself fall in love won't be easy, but is willing to love me anyways.
As difficult as this has been, I've learned a lot. I've discovered who I am and I've grown stronger. And as much as this has hurt, I don't regret any of it.