The Blanket

Last summer, i learned how to crochet.
I decided I wanted to crochet a blanket. I know this sounds like a big first project, but I was excited and up for the challenge.
I picked out a blue/brown yarn that I loved, and got to work. Width wise, it was going to be able to cover a queen sized bed. I was going to give it to Tyler. It was going to be a romantic, long term type gift. One that we could bring into our future home. Or so I thought.
I crocheted about 1/25th of that blanket. Then I stuck it in the closet, to finish later.
Now that I'm grounded, I pulled it back out of the closet. I undid the whole thing, and started over.
I'm going to finish it. I don't care how long it takes.
But I'm going to finish it for myself, not anybody else.

Grounded

Grounded definition :
-to anchor: fix firmly and stably; "anchor the lamppost in concrete"
---to confine or restrict to the ground; "After the accident, they grounded the plane and the pilot"

I'm grounded for like, the rest of my life. Basically I pulled a "teenager" and lied about where I was going, went to a party at a kid whose parents were out of town's house, and smoked weed and some shisha (the stuff you smoke out of a hookah, like in Alice in Wonderland).

... Alison, who I confided in about this, told her Mom, who called mine, who checked with other parents about all my stories and eventually figured it all out.

So... no car, no phone, no computer, no friends...

No life.

"Until Further Notice"

Which means I will probably be writing a lot more, because writing and reading are two of like, three activities I'm allowed.

Yay.

Dreamer

I still dream about things that I shouldn't.

I've pushed him out of my days. Out of my conscious days. I've moved on, with my mind, my body, my heart.

But when I finally drift off, When I let my mind go, When I fall asleep...

There he is. In my sleep, I can't hold him back. Nearly every night for the past couple weeks, I've dreamt of him.

It's the worst. I wake up and realize all over again that he's gone. I wake up, and my heart breaks over and over again. I wake up, and he's not mine anymore.

I feel like I'm over him. I've moved on, and Skylar makes me happy, at least today. :) But somehow, every night, I dream of him.

What does it even mean? Why, when (during the day time), can I not think about him for days at a time, but every single night, he fills my head? Why can't I be completely over him, 24/7?

I hate falling asleep. I just want him out of my head.

Summer Goals

-Have a barbecue (May 23, '10)

-Go to the zoo

-Slip 'n slide

-Play hopscotch

-Win something (September 5, '10)

-Go camping (May 20, '10)

-Go on a real date (where you get picked up and the boy pays) (July 24, '10)

-Smoke the green (May 21, '10)

-Make lemonade from full lemons (August 1, '10)

-Go to a real party and get completely trashed (May 21, '10)

-Eat a scone (June 24, '10)

-Go to an actual beach (one with sand) (June 29, '10)

-Wash my car in a bikini

-Catch a butterfly

-Go boating

-Read 25 books

-Have a 'girls night' (May 9, '10)

-Go to the fair and go on the slingshot

-Break the state's curfew law (June 29 '10)

-Go on a road trip

-Have a summer fling

-Plant a tree

-Blow bubbles out the car window

-Sneak out of my window

-Climb a tree (June 6, '10)

-Paint the senior rock (May 12, '10)

-Swing on a tire swing

-Pull a real all nighter

-Find a type of coffee that I enjoy (June 24, '10)

-Watch the sun rise

-Learn how to make a flower crown

-Go for a walk during a rainstorm (July 14, '10)

-Have the best summer of my life <3


It's on. I will not start my senior year til I've done all of these things.

Feelings and a Trilby Hat.

Butterflies? Whaaaaaaaat? Maybe it's a rebound. Oh, God. I hope it's a rebound. I can absolutely not handle liking a boy right now.

But here he is. Smiling, in that rediculous trilby hat that I love. Saying the most adorable things. Driving around, listening to music I would never have heard of without him. Carwashes. Bubbles. Icecream. Snuggling. Talking about nonsensical things, and about our beliefs. Driving to pretty places and looking at the sky.

Oh, God.
I wish it would all go away.
Or that I could take 30 seconds to sort through my mangled feelings, to understand whats going on in my head, and under that hat of his. 30 seconds to decide if its okay to like someone else. To have funny feelings in my stomach when someone says “Skylar” or “sky” or “pie” or anything that rhymes with the previous mentioned. 30 seconds to examine my little heart and see if its healed enough. To know if I'm ready to let myself be in like again.

I really wish I could control my emotions. That I could make it all go away, and focus on being me. Being happy and single and having fun.
But the thing is, I have fun with him. When I'm with him, I'm happy. He makes me smile, and laugh. He makes me try new things. He makes my feet dance to new music. He makes my heart happy. Its just after that. When I'm at home. Sitting all alone. That I'm terrified. Horrified at the fact that I let him get close. That maybe, someday, eventually, he might have enough of me that he could hurt me.
Please, let this just be a rebound. These feelings are more than I can handle.

Life and Love As Told At Seventeen.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Life is made up of a million little moments. Some don't matter at all and are forgotten almost immediately. Some are so wonderful that you'll remember them forever. Some hurt so much they will never be forgotten.
There are some things I don't ever want to forget. The way the ocean smells, the feeling of the sun, warm on your skin. The excitement of the first snow of winter. These are the little moments that fill my heart and make it overflow. However, there are more moments, closer and more specific memories that I hope to retain forever. Kind words from friends and inspirational comments from teachers. Memories of times I was particularly witty or clever. Memories of moments when I was happy and content with everything, relaxing with friends. Memories of a first love.


The Beginning...


There are also some things I would like to forget, but probably never will. Things that have made me a stronger woman, yet broke me in the process. Memories of a father who didn't love his family enough to stop, of a father who hurt instead of loving. Memories of friends who tore me down when I needed them to be there, friends who didn't stick by my side when the going got tough. Memories of my first love falling out of love, and leaving.


The Middle...

Tyler and I went out for right around 22 months total. High School or not, I was head over heels. He was going to be “the one”. I was committed, even when I shouldn't have been, even as it became plain that things weren't going to work out as we had hoped. After a couple months, there came a point in the relationship when we both knew that it wasn't going to work.
When Tyler and I realized our differences were too great, that we didn't belong together, and that he just plain didn't love me, I felt broken. I had given him every part of me, let him into every chamber of my heart. I had trusted him, and he had ripped it all to pieces.
It hasn't been long. Six weeks ago, my heart broke in ways I didn't know were possible. Six weeks ago, after 22 months, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart.
Piece by piece, I've started to put my heart back together again. I've eaten chocolate and listened to inspirational music all about being strong and independent. I've begun to learn how to love myself, even when I don't have some guy sitting there loving me back.




The End.


I read a quote once that I wish I had understood months ago. “Before you can be someones other half, you must first be whole on your own.” I don't think I've ever really figured out how to be complete within myself, and I'm sure that made my half of the relationship very draining for Tyler, just like at times it was very difficult to be Tyler's girlfriend. Neither of us were capable of being our own person. This is something I've enjoyed figuring out how to be, yet detested.
I've enjoyed meeting new people and building relationships. I've enjoyed getting to know old friends better. I'm figuring out who I am, on my own, without pressure or influence from anyone else.
Tomorrow might not be easy, and maybe not the next day either. Trusting people is hard, and I'm terrified my friends are going to abandon me. I'm fearful of letting people get too close, of caring too much, of letting anyone in enough to where they could hurt me.
But in time, I'll heal. In time I'll move one. Eventually I'll trust again. There will be more heartache in my life. I will have moments that break and build me.
But that's life. There are moments of joy and contentment, but also of pain and sadness. And the pain and sadness are what makes us grow stronger and shows us who we are as individuals. No one wants to have their heart broken, but sometimes it's for the better. No one would choose to walk a street of hurt, but that street makes you so much stronger when you turn the corner.
I will love again. Someday, a relationship will surprise me. Someday I'll have that special connection between a boy and a girl again. I'll be more cautious and it won't be without fear. But in time I'll find someone who makes me laugh more than I cry. Someone who gives me butterflies. Someone who understands that letting myself fall in love won't be easy, but is willing to love me anyways.
As difficult as this has been, I've learned a lot. I've discovered who I am and I've grown stronger. And as much as this has hurt, I don't regret any of it.

Russia.

My trip was amazing! I love volunteer work.
Tyler and I broke up right before I left. Like, 7 hours before I left. My heart just... broke. So it was a hard trip, too. But it helped me focus, and I learned a lot. I am so grateful for the life I live and for my family. So many kids just straight up don't have a family... that was the hardest thing for me to see on this trip. I met so many amazing people, so many new friends. I've tried so many new foods and learned so much about myself. (Who knew that I just love a hot cup of tea?!) Anyways, even though I've been home almost two weeks, I'm still having a hard time sleeping - so I'll keep this short and end with a video of the highlights of the trip.. Make sure to watch through the end! :)




The photo is from one of the five orphanages we visited. We also visited 2 juvenile delinquent homes, a foster home, a homeless shelter and three schools, as well as throwing a concert/drama performance at the end of the week.