The Blanket

Last summer, i learned how to crochet.
I decided I wanted to crochet a blanket. I know this sounds like a big first project, but I was excited and up for the challenge.
I picked out a blue/brown yarn that I loved, and got to work. Width wise, it was going to be able to cover a queen sized bed. I was going to give it to Tyler. It was going to be a romantic, long term type gift. One that we could bring into our future home. Or so I thought.
I crocheted about 1/25th of that blanket. Then I stuck it in the closet, to finish later.
Now that I'm grounded, I pulled it back out of the closet. I undid the whole thing, and started over.
I'm going to finish it. I don't care how long it takes.
But I'm going to finish it for myself, not anybody else.

Grounded

Grounded definition :
-to anchor: fix firmly and stably; "anchor the lamppost in concrete"
---to confine or restrict to the ground; "After the accident, they grounded the plane and the pilot"

I'm grounded for like, the rest of my life. Basically I pulled a "teenager" and lied about where I was going, went to a party at a kid whose parents were out of town's house, and smoked weed and some shisha (the stuff you smoke out of a hookah, like in Alice in Wonderland).

... Alison, who I confided in about this, told her Mom, who called mine, who checked with other parents about all my stories and eventually figured it all out.

So... no car, no phone, no computer, no friends...

No life.

"Until Further Notice"

Which means I will probably be writing a lot more, because writing and reading are two of like, three activities I'm allowed.

Yay.

Dreamer

I still dream about things that I shouldn't.

I've pushed him out of my days. Out of my conscious days. I've moved on, with my mind, my body, my heart.

But when I finally drift off, When I let my mind go, When I fall asleep...

There he is. In my sleep, I can't hold him back. Nearly every night for the past couple weeks, I've dreamt of him.

It's the worst. I wake up and realize all over again that he's gone. I wake up, and my heart breaks over and over again. I wake up, and he's not mine anymore.

I feel like I'm over him. I've moved on, and Skylar makes me happy, at least today. :) But somehow, every night, I dream of him.

What does it even mean? Why, when (during the day time), can I not think about him for days at a time, but every single night, he fills my head? Why can't I be completely over him, 24/7?

I hate falling asleep. I just want him out of my head.

Summer Goals

-Have a barbecue (May 23, '10)

-Go to the zoo

-Slip 'n slide

-Play hopscotch

-Win something (September 5, '10)

-Go camping (May 20, '10)

-Go on a real date (where you get picked up and the boy pays) (July 24, '10)

-Smoke the green (May 21, '10)

-Make lemonade from full lemons (August 1, '10)

-Go to a real party and get completely trashed (May 21, '10)

-Eat a scone (June 24, '10)

-Go to an actual beach (one with sand) (June 29, '10)

-Wash my car in a bikini

-Catch a butterfly

-Go boating

-Read 25 books

-Have a 'girls night' (May 9, '10)

-Go to the fair and go on the slingshot

-Break the state's curfew law (June 29 '10)

-Go on a road trip

-Have a summer fling

-Plant a tree

-Blow bubbles out the car window

-Sneak out of my window

-Climb a tree (June 6, '10)

-Paint the senior rock (May 12, '10)

-Swing on a tire swing

-Pull a real all nighter

-Find a type of coffee that I enjoy (June 24, '10)

-Watch the sun rise

-Learn how to make a flower crown

-Go for a walk during a rainstorm (July 14, '10)

-Have the best summer of my life <3


It's on. I will not start my senior year til I've done all of these things.

Feelings and a Trilby Hat.

Butterflies? Whaaaaaaaat? Maybe it's a rebound. Oh, God. I hope it's a rebound. I can absolutely not handle liking a boy right now.

But here he is. Smiling, in that rediculous trilby hat that I love. Saying the most adorable things. Driving around, listening to music I would never have heard of without him. Carwashes. Bubbles. Icecream. Snuggling. Talking about nonsensical things, and about our beliefs. Driving to pretty places and looking at the sky.

Oh, God.
I wish it would all go away.
Or that I could take 30 seconds to sort through my mangled feelings, to understand whats going on in my head, and under that hat of his. 30 seconds to decide if its okay to like someone else. To have funny feelings in my stomach when someone says “Skylar” or “sky” or “pie” or anything that rhymes with the previous mentioned. 30 seconds to examine my little heart and see if its healed enough. To know if I'm ready to let myself be in like again.

I really wish I could control my emotions. That I could make it all go away, and focus on being me. Being happy and single and having fun.
But the thing is, I have fun with him. When I'm with him, I'm happy. He makes me smile, and laugh. He makes me try new things. He makes my feet dance to new music. He makes my heart happy. Its just after that. When I'm at home. Sitting all alone. That I'm terrified. Horrified at the fact that I let him get close. That maybe, someday, eventually, he might have enough of me that he could hurt me.
Please, let this just be a rebound. These feelings are more than I can handle.