Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance, But Sometimes So is "I'm Sorry"

I have had four best friends throughout my high school career. Four girls who I, to this day, love more than anything. Four wonderful, smart, beautiful young women with their lives ahead of them.
These four girls have been my guiding path, my light in the dark, band-aids to my heart. These four girls have been there through it all. Until very recently. And I feel so alone without them.

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari-

I cannot tell you how much I regret when it comes to our friendship. I feel so responsible for the path you walk. You were doing so well, you were recovering. And I made the ridiculous assumption that you could handle anything. That we were the same. We smoked together, a total of four times. If I could take back anything in our friendship, that would be it. You had been doing so well, and those times smoking together, I believe, brought you back into that lifestyle. My decision to smoke with you in turn made you comfortable using again. Which in turn led you to cocaine. Now I miss you more than ever and I feel like you're gone. I call you and you don't answer. I so badly want my Emu back, but I feel like you're lost. And I feel like that's my fault. I'm so sorry.

Alison Leigh Boring-

Out of all the girls, you were the one I knew I'd lose. Ever since our sophomore year, you've been relationally obsessed, or in love, or however you want to say it. You clung to our friendship when you didn't want to be friends. You lied, and often, about when you were allowed to hang out. When I spoke with people about college and you leaving, 4/5 would respond with “Yeah, but Alison's already basically gone anyways”. You've judged my life when you were making equally as bad of decisions. And so I'm letting you go, and I'm trying to do it civilly. You have an amazing life in front of you, and so do I. However, our lives aren't the same. I love having girl friends. You don't need me, or the other girls. And frankly you haven't been present in our lives for the past year + anyways. I will always love you and be there for you if you need me. But I don't need you. I'm really sorry it turned out this way, but it's for the best. I hope your life is filled with happiness and that you laugh more than you cry, and that you are abundantly blessed.

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith-

Darling Liz. So much has happened over the course of our friendship. We've had so many “firsts” together. I care about you so much, but our friendship seems difficult lately. I nearly killed you, Liz. I don't know if that's something I can get over. I can still hear you yelling “Destinee, Oh My God!” and Like a G6 in the background. I can still feel my car being smashed with you in my passenger seat. Since then things have been different. I feel like I need to take care of you, like I'm responsible. I can't imagine losing my Liz. Since then, I feel like you've been sadder. Like you're stressed. Maybe even like you're angry at me. I am so sorry for what happened. I should have been more responsible, I should have been more careful. I'm sorry Liz.

Rachel Ann Jones-

You've always answered your phone when I call, or called me back. This past month I have been less than the desireable friend to you. I am so sorry for not always being there like I should, and for sometimes being selfish in our friendship. This month has been crap for all of us, but I threw myself a mini-pity-party. I focused only on how hurt I was, how much I lost instead of looking at it from your shoes, or anyone elses. I'm so sorry that I wasn't the best friend I'm supposed to be.


Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Sometimes opportunities grow through the pain and mistakes. Sometimes amazing lessons are learned through heartache. Something good is coming for us all, girls. I can feel it. I love you all so much, no matter where life has taken us. Thank you for this journey of friendship.

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

September Sucked.

I got expelled from the school I've been at since junior high. My small private school. i had to switch schools in the middle of my senior year, to a school where I knew hardly anyone and didn't know how the teachers ran their classes. Still don't.

I got into a horrible car accident and almost killed one of my best friends, myself, and another friend. Totaled my car. Have no way of getting around. Injured my knee pretty badly and now have a limp.

Yes, that's right. I started a brand new school walking about with a limp. I look like I have a disability.

So basically, in the procession of September, I lost my group of girls, my mode of transportation, my physical capability, my comfort zone, and all my money will be going to saving for a new car.

I know I'm lucky to be okay. But it sucks a lot right now.
And no one seems to get that.




I'll write more detailed posts later about each event.

Just in case you were wondering...

I will be back, and soon.

I'm very busy dealing with life but will be updating in a week or so :)

I don't know what to say.

I don't hate that I did it, because I've grown so much through having to deal with it.
I know it was wrong, and if I could do it over I would. But my faith is stronger now, because of these trials. And my family is stronger now, able to withstand more. I as a person am more understanding and gracious.

I don't hate that I'm suspended, because I know that no matter how long ago it happened, it still happened. And I was wrong.

I don't hate the school, because I know that they're just trying to do what's best for the school.

But I hate that this is gone for me. I hate that my safe haven was taken from me. My voice used against me. I hate that they took away something I love ever so much. I hate that I can no longer write.

I wrote this blog for myself. To help myself deal with emotions so strong they were breaking me. To get my feelings out. This blog was written to help me cope. But it can't be that anymore.

I hate that this is going to have to be my last post. At least for now, for a couple weeks. Because my thoughts cannot just be my thoughts.

Singularity, Senior Year and the De-Complicatedness-Ing of My Life.

Once apon a time, I was a wee one.



I was a little girl who played and was silly. I didn't think much about who I was, as a human being. I had a wonderful, loving family, and toys. And that was all that mattered.



...Then I grew up.



Now, I don't know who I am. There are so many different sides of me, I get lost trying to stick to one.

Sometimes, I'm single.



... Sometimes I'm not.



Sometimes I feel as if I'm country at heart.



And then I remember how preppy I am and how much I love the city.



Sometimes, I feel all maternal and cannot wait to grow up and be a mother.



Sometimes, I never want to grow up and love being a crazy, reckless teen.




Sometimes, I cook, or am crafty and domestic.



(yes, i homemade that pizza. even the crust. and made that lampshade. even the frame.)



...Sometimes I just am so not.



But no matter what the world tries to shape me into....



I'm still me. And that's what matters, right?



Maybe I'll grow up and be a midwife, a teacher, a nurse. Maybe I'll be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'll travel the world. Maybe I'll stay right here in good old AK. I don't know what the future holds, and frankly, I'm trying not to stress it. God has a plan and a purpose. It's gonna fall into place no matter what I do. So for now, I stop being paranoid about my future. I've got ten days of summer left. Then, I've got one year of high school. I'm not going to stress the details. it doesn't really matter where I go to school. It doesn't really matter where I live 20 years from now. None of it matters. I'm going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Or else none of it will be meaningful, anyways. I'm going to have the best year ever... I'm going to enjoy every last minute with my family. I'm going to make crazy memories with my best friends. I'm going to stay single, and just enjoy being me. As complicated and confusing as that can be. I'm going to love my life.

My Girls

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith

Rachel Ann Jones

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari

Alison Leigh Boring


Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we don't get along. Sometimes, we're bitches. Sometimes we're not there for each other when we need to be. Sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes, we say the right thing at the wrong time. Sometimes we talk behind each other's backs. Sometimes we don't know what to say, how to help. Sometimes it's hard to forgive each other and move on.

But always and forever, we will care about each other. Always and no matter what, if one of us truly needed the others, we would all be there.
These girls are my support, my backbone, my strength. These girls have held me when I cried and picked me up at 2 a.m to support me. These girls have said "I don't know what to say, but you're strong and you can do this." when I didn't know how I would. These girls have drawn me pictures and written me letters to encourage me. They've stayed on the phone all night with me.
No matter what shit we go through. No matter who says what. No matter how hard it is to keep our friendships going.
Ladies, you are my forever friends, my bosom buddies, my best friends. My soul mates in friendship form.

Thank you for everything. I know I don't say that enough. Thank you for being there.

Home Sweet Alaska - The Last Frontier

I grew up in eternal winter. Sledding September through March. I grew up in a city where, in July, it was once recorded to be 38 degrees. Fahrenheit. Where we get an average of 69.5 inches of snow a year. I grew up camping all summer long. Boating and fishing. Wearing sweatshirts in the summer, yes, but being up til 2, 3 a.m because it was still light out. I grew up with moose in my backyard often and bears digging through my garbage occasionally. I've eaten moose roasts and shot a gun and seen whales jump in the WILD. I've always had huge, gorgeous mountains surrounding me. Good hikes just a few miles away. It's beautiful, right out my window. I love it here. Winters are shit ...Difficult. Long. Dark. But my family is here. How can I leave this place?

How can I not?
I have dreams. And as much as I love my home state, can I accomplish them here? Can I be successful at good ole' University of Alaska Anchorage? Will I be able to build my character and person living in the same house as my lovely but pushy Mother? Is it possible for me to really become a woman here?
I wish. I hope. Maybe.
But most likely, I will end up stuck in loads of student debt so I can venture out and grow and become the me of my dreams. Most likely, I will leave this love-it-but-hate-it state and go somewhere with not enough snow and extremely hot (85 is hot...) summers. Somewhere I'll be scared out of my size 24 jeans in a new place with no one I know... But that's how it's going to happen. That's how I'm going to feel okay with studying abroad and changing the world and having a career I can travel the world with. That's how I'll meet someone equally as crazy and globally-minded as me, marrying him, eventually adopting kids from impoverished countries and raising them to be travelers and adventurers and explorers.
Because how can I ever hope to travel the world if I don't even want to leave the state for college? How can I ever raise little multi-cultural children to wander and discover if I'm scared to do it? I can't. So I have to face my fears. Physical, Mental, Financial. I have to face my fears and cry and be homesick until I'm amazing and cultured and experienced. Until all my friends wish they had gone out of state, too. (:

My trip

I love this trip. I loved Washington, Oregon, Colorado and New York.
I've seen some great schools and had some awesome experiences.
But this trip is about self discovery.
And through this trip, I've discovered something.
I need to be on my own. Need. Not want.
I'm glad I have this last year and that I will be able to be with my family... BUT.
But I am thriving on this trip. I like me better here. Away from distractions, away from my normal life.
I don't know if I'll end up at one of these colleges, out of my home state, but I do know that I need to be on my own.
I know that I can succeed. But I can't do it at home.
I'm drowning there.

Tired.

Today sucked. I am worn out, exhausted, weary, and just not up to much. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up til I'm done learning things the hard way and making mistakes to learn lessons that shape my character. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling as if I call a friend I am inconveniencing them. I'm tired of feeling the need to be crazy and push myself to feel alive. Im tired of being optimistic. I'm ready for change.

But it was a good day too. The end of my day was pretty fantastic. I ate icecream and walked on trails and saw ducks. I watched a movie with my Mom and downloaded new music and took a nap. So as much as today sucked, as hard as it was, I'm so thankful that there was a bright spot.

I leave on my college trip tomorrow. 16 days, and I'll be seeing my Dad for the first time in 3 years. I need to get away, to take a break from my everyday life. I need this.

Smashed Vehicle.

I love my car. It's small and red and has a sun roof. It drives fast and gets good gas milage. I adore it. Today, I even wrote in a note on facebook how much I love my car. However, I also wrote in said note about how scared I am of hitting something, and the greek gods or Jesus or whoever's in charge of shitty lessons that need learned decided that I loved my car too much.
I help my sister out sometimes. I take my niece out, we go to the park or Bouncin Bears or the lake and we play for a couple hours and eat icecream so Danielle can focus on the baby. I love it, my niece Valley loves it, Danielle loves it. But today when Valley and I were out, she got really sick and started crying. So i went to take her home. When I was pulling into the parking garage at the apartment complex, (into a really tight space that happens to have huge giant poles right next to it?) Valley suddenly starts screaming. I freaked out and turned the wheel all the way to the right while turning to see if she's okay... and hit my lovely baby car right into the pole. Where it got stuck. And every time I tried to move forward or backward, all I could hear was the sickening crunch of my right door and back end being smashed. Now my car is hurt and needs surgery, which I'm going to have to pay for. (AKA a new door and the back end buffed out and a paint touch up).
At first I was freaking out and I cried for like an hour. Bawled, actually. But I posted on facebook and people helped me keep it in perspective...
-No one was hurt. Valley is safe, I am safe.
-I can still drive the car while I save the money for repairs, it's not totalled.
-My first "accident" is behind me.
-My Mom isn't mad at me.
-No other cars were involved, so I don't have to deal with that.
-Did I mention that me and my niece are still alive? Because wow. I'm so glad I didn't get into a really bad accident and kill us both, or hurt her, or another driver.

So yeah. My car is hurt, I have to figure out how to pay for repairs, and right now it looks pretty ugly and I feel like white trash driving it, but I'm still alive, and no ones hurt (except for my car). And that is something to be truly grateful for.

Homemade Happiness

3 or so weeks ago, my friend Rachel and I were hanging out. I was mad because my Mom wouldn't let me go out to eat with my friends. (Grounded, remember?) So I was throwing a fit about it and insisting she cook me dinner. Rachel, I'm sure, was annoyed.
So she insisted we cook dinner.
We loved it. We loved working with our hands, being in the kitchen, having a delicious finished product that everyone enjoyed.
So we did it again, the next Sunday.
And then we did it again.
Now, we're cooking once a week, and Rachel's blogging about it over at:

www.homemadehappiness18.blogspot.com

Hop on over there and read about our adventures, once a week, every week.

He's Just Not That In To You.

I used to play. Barbies, Babydolls. I used to fantasize about weddings and families and being swept off my feet by Mr. Right. I've watched a million girly romantic comedies, hoping that someday someone would do something just as sweet for me. I used to be thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... waiting, hoping that "this" was it. That he was HIM.

But it never was. I've dated, but never had the romance of it all. Even in a near 2 year relationship, it was never romantic. it was more practical. I've received flowers twice from boys (and one of those times was because I asked for them for Valentines Day when it was asked what I wanted). I've never been on a real date.

I'm not complaining, but I think I may be settling. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm finally facing reality.

The romance is dead.

I quit waiting around to fall head over heels. I'm done wishing for sweethearts. I quit hoping that boys will have cute, surprisingly romantic gestures for me. I'm done waiting for Prince Charming to bring me back my god damn slipper I threw right in front of his face. I'm done waiting for someone to say "Oh, I'll get it" to the check.

I want reliable, dependable. I want someone who actually wants me. But maybe, to find that, I need to get rid of my fantasies.

I give up on romance, because even if it does exist, somewhere, my chick flicks have taught me one thing.

When it comes to life...
There is a rule. And there is an exception.
But the exception is just that - it's the exception.
And I am always going to be the rule.

298 Days.

I'm 17 years old.
I know it will all work out.
Just, sometimes I wonder.
I wonder how on earth I can go from this to being a happy... woman.
To being a woman, period.

I'm 17 years old.
Some days, I want to grow up and be married and have a family and just be fabulously happy.

But I wonder, how on earth am I going to get there? How can I go from broken hearted, silly teenager to adult? How does that transition happen? How am I supposed to, in three or five or seven or however many years, have a husband and then eventually a family and do all these happy grown-up things and be on my own? how am I supposed to go to college and be responsible for my own bills and do all my own laundry and vacuuming and cooking?

I think it's easier if you have someone transitioning with you. For the girls bringing their serious boyfriend with them to college, for the person who has someone to help them through it. For the kid whose parents have their college fully paid for. For the people with the twin. But I'm just me, alone, by myself. And very soon, I'm going to be all grown up and facing the real world. Which terrifies me.

In 298 days, I'm going to be legally an adult. I'll be able to open my own blockbuster account and get my own place and go to strip clubs and buy my own plane tickets and claim NOT A DEPENDENT on my taxes and get a credit card. I just have no clue how to be an adult. I have no idea how I'm going to go from me, now, here... to grown up. Adult. Alone.

I'm 17 years old.
298 days til doom day.

Peeing on Plastic Sticks.

Last night I had an awful nightmare.
Teen Pregnancy...
Is not something I want to experience ever, to say the least.

So even though it's practically impossible. Even though I've taken the necessary precautions. Even though it's been way longer than a month.

Today, I made that awful trip to WalMart.

I went into that uncomfortable section, standing next to women grabbing two or three different colored boxes, women looking anxious and hopeful... Myself looking paranoid and sick to my stomach.

I went into the bathroom, and I peed on that plastic stick.

I then waited for three god-awful minutes, imagining all my life plans being flushed down the toilet i was sitting on.

...The stick came up with one line, thank God.

But it made me feel really grateful for how lucky I've been. I'm lucky that all my teen-like excursions have ended with little heartbreak. I've never been pulled over while inebriated, I've never had to deal with sticky situations such as what on earth I'm going to do with a kid. I haven't had the cops called on me. I haven't been kicked out of any store, theater, or my house. (And I've probably deserved it plenty).

So thank you, universe, fate, Jesus, whoever is in control of teenagers and punishment. Thank you for having all my punishment for stupid crazy dumb things be at home, and manageable. Thank you that my punishments don't last me 18+ years.

Thank you that my pee sticks have all had one line.



(Not that I think all teen pregnancies are 'punishments'. It's just not something I would choose to bring upon myself).

The Letter I'll Never Give My Mother

Dear Mom,

Well, I did it. I'm sure you think I've gone off the deep end and that I'll never come back. I'm sure you're sure that I have a lifetime of substance abuse and hurt ahead of me. I'm sure you're wondering how I could've done this, when I saw how drugs destroyed my own father.

Now, I hate to have to say this, because it sounds so...teen. I hate that you don't understand this about me.

It's no big deal.

I smoked. I smoked a couple of times. I got high, I had the munchies, I felt really good. Yes, I even liked it.

But I'm done. Really, honestly, truly. I have no need to smoke again, and most likely won't.

I'm me. I'm the one who tries something once or twice, to understand it, and then doesn't do it again. I'm the daughter who got drunk two times and never again. I'm the daughter who snuck out twice, and hasn't since. I'm the daughter who wants to have these life experiences, but won't make it her whole life.

I'm still me. And I'm still that daughter. And I think that you know that, but you're scared to let go, to let me grow on my own and to make my own mistakes and choices. But you're going to have to.

I'm going to screw up. A lot. I'm going to do things that make you shake your head with shame. But these things are going to be the moments that break and build me, the moments that really teach me something. You have to let me have that.

Sometimes, it's okay to just be a teenager.
To have one wonderful, rebellious weekend of freedom and boys and lies.
Sometimes it's okay to let go, and live it up.
To try things you've feared.
Sometimes it's okay to break the rules, to experience life, to live on the edge.
Sometime's it's okay. As long as you come back.

Becoming Myself Again

I've been stressed. And angry. And really, really emotional.
My whole life feels out of balance, messy. I feel as if everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and as if my emotions have gotten the best of me. I feel as if I'm out of control.
I need a change. I need to balance my life out, steady my emotions, and get back to being a level headed me.So, I ordered a yoga DVD...

"The word 'yoga' comes from the Sanskrit root yuj,
which means 'to join' or 'to yoke'."
"Yoga is an ancient art based on a harmonizing system of development for the body, mind, and spirit. The continued practice of yoga will lead you to a sense of peace and well-being, and also a feeling of being at one with their environment."

I'm excited for this. I'm excited to calm myself and relax and be balanced. I'm excited to go back to being me.
I need that.

Pet Whisperer

Sunday, June 6, 2010



Lately, I've been talking to my dog.
Outloud.
And not just "sit", "stay", or "come", but

"Don't worry, we'll be okay", comforting only myself.
"He's just a stupid boy who doesn't really matter anyways" or
"Lets go, Riley", inviting her along because I don't want to be alone.

I've cried to her. I've yelled to her, letting her take the wrath for others. I've told her my secrets.

CRAZY people talk to their pets.
I'm not insane...

I suddenly understand that those"crazy cat ladies", maybe they aren't so crazy after all.
Maybe, the psycho who whispers to himself isn't, in fact, psychotic.

Maybe there's no one worthy of confiding in.
Maybe there's no one to talk to.

Maybe, they're all just lonely.

The Blanket

Last summer, i learned how to crochet.
I decided I wanted to crochet a blanket. I know this sounds like a big first project, but I was excited and up for the challenge.
I picked out a blue/brown yarn that I loved, and got to work. Width wise, it was going to be able to cover a queen sized bed. I was going to give it to Tyler. It was going to be a romantic, long term type gift. One that we could bring into our future home. Or so I thought.
I crocheted about 1/25th of that blanket. Then I stuck it in the closet, to finish later.
Now that I'm grounded, I pulled it back out of the closet. I undid the whole thing, and started over.
I'm going to finish it. I don't care how long it takes.
But I'm going to finish it for myself, not anybody else.

Grounded

Grounded definition :
-to anchor: fix firmly and stably; "anchor the lamppost in concrete"
---to confine or restrict to the ground; "After the accident, they grounded the plane and the pilot"

I'm grounded for like, the rest of my life. Basically I pulled a "teenager" and lied about where I was going, went to a party at a kid whose parents were out of town's house, and smoked weed and some shisha (the stuff you smoke out of a hookah, like in Alice in Wonderland).

... Alison, who I confided in about this, told her Mom, who called mine, who checked with other parents about all my stories and eventually figured it all out.

So... no car, no phone, no computer, no friends...

No life.

"Until Further Notice"

Which means I will probably be writing a lot more, because writing and reading are two of like, three activities I'm allowed.

Yay.

Dreamer

I still dream about things that I shouldn't.

I've pushed him out of my days. Out of my conscious days. I've moved on, with my mind, my body, my heart.

But when I finally drift off, When I let my mind go, When I fall asleep...

There he is. In my sleep, I can't hold him back. Nearly every night for the past couple weeks, I've dreamt of him.

It's the worst. I wake up and realize all over again that he's gone. I wake up, and my heart breaks over and over again. I wake up, and he's not mine anymore.

I feel like I'm over him. I've moved on, and Skylar makes me happy, at least today. :) But somehow, every night, I dream of him.

What does it even mean? Why, when (during the day time), can I not think about him for days at a time, but every single night, he fills my head? Why can't I be completely over him, 24/7?

I hate falling asleep. I just want him out of my head.

Summer Goals

-Have a barbecue (May 23, '10)

-Go to the zoo

-Slip 'n slide

-Play hopscotch

-Win something (September 5, '10)

-Go camping (May 20, '10)

-Go on a real date (where you get picked up and the boy pays) (July 24, '10)

-Smoke the green (May 21, '10)

-Make lemonade from full lemons (August 1, '10)

-Go to a real party and get completely trashed (May 21, '10)

-Eat a scone (June 24, '10)

-Go to an actual beach (one with sand) (June 29, '10)

-Wash my car in a bikini

-Catch a butterfly

-Go boating

-Read 25 books

-Have a 'girls night' (May 9, '10)

-Go to the fair and go on the slingshot

-Break the state's curfew law (June 29 '10)

-Go on a road trip

-Have a summer fling

-Plant a tree

-Blow bubbles out the car window

-Sneak out of my window

-Climb a tree (June 6, '10)

-Paint the senior rock (May 12, '10)

-Swing on a tire swing

-Pull a real all nighter

-Find a type of coffee that I enjoy (June 24, '10)

-Watch the sun rise

-Learn how to make a flower crown

-Go for a walk during a rainstorm (July 14, '10)

-Have the best summer of my life <3


It's on. I will not start my senior year til I've done all of these things.

Feelings and a Trilby Hat.

Butterflies? Whaaaaaaaat? Maybe it's a rebound. Oh, God. I hope it's a rebound. I can absolutely not handle liking a boy right now.

But here he is. Smiling, in that rediculous trilby hat that I love. Saying the most adorable things. Driving around, listening to music I would never have heard of without him. Carwashes. Bubbles. Icecream. Snuggling. Talking about nonsensical things, and about our beliefs. Driving to pretty places and looking at the sky.

Oh, God.
I wish it would all go away.
Or that I could take 30 seconds to sort through my mangled feelings, to understand whats going on in my head, and under that hat of his. 30 seconds to decide if its okay to like someone else. To have funny feelings in my stomach when someone says “Skylar” or “sky” or “pie” or anything that rhymes with the previous mentioned. 30 seconds to examine my little heart and see if its healed enough. To know if I'm ready to let myself be in like again.

I really wish I could control my emotions. That I could make it all go away, and focus on being me. Being happy and single and having fun.
But the thing is, I have fun with him. When I'm with him, I'm happy. He makes me smile, and laugh. He makes me try new things. He makes my feet dance to new music. He makes my heart happy. Its just after that. When I'm at home. Sitting all alone. That I'm terrified. Horrified at the fact that I let him get close. That maybe, someday, eventually, he might have enough of me that he could hurt me.
Please, let this just be a rebound. These feelings are more than I can handle.

Life and Love As Told At Seventeen.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Life is made up of a million little moments. Some don't matter at all and are forgotten almost immediately. Some are so wonderful that you'll remember them forever. Some hurt so much they will never be forgotten.
There are some things I don't ever want to forget. The way the ocean smells, the feeling of the sun, warm on your skin. The excitement of the first snow of winter. These are the little moments that fill my heart and make it overflow. However, there are more moments, closer and more specific memories that I hope to retain forever. Kind words from friends and inspirational comments from teachers. Memories of times I was particularly witty or clever. Memories of moments when I was happy and content with everything, relaxing with friends. Memories of a first love.


The Beginning...


There are also some things I would like to forget, but probably never will. Things that have made me a stronger woman, yet broke me in the process. Memories of a father who didn't love his family enough to stop, of a father who hurt instead of loving. Memories of friends who tore me down when I needed them to be there, friends who didn't stick by my side when the going got tough. Memories of my first love falling out of love, and leaving.


The Middle...

Tyler and I went out for right around 22 months total. High School or not, I was head over heels. He was going to be “the one”. I was committed, even when I shouldn't have been, even as it became plain that things weren't going to work out as we had hoped. After a couple months, there came a point in the relationship when we both knew that it wasn't going to work.
When Tyler and I realized our differences were too great, that we didn't belong together, and that he just plain didn't love me, I felt broken. I had given him every part of me, let him into every chamber of my heart. I had trusted him, and he had ripped it all to pieces.
It hasn't been long. Six weeks ago, my heart broke in ways I didn't know were possible. Six weeks ago, after 22 months, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart.
Piece by piece, I've started to put my heart back together again. I've eaten chocolate and listened to inspirational music all about being strong and independent. I've begun to learn how to love myself, even when I don't have some guy sitting there loving me back.




The End.


I read a quote once that I wish I had understood months ago. “Before you can be someones other half, you must first be whole on your own.” I don't think I've ever really figured out how to be complete within myself, and I'm sure that made my half of the relationship very draining for Tyler, just like at times it was very difficult to be Tyler's girlfriend. Neither of us were capable of being our own person. This is something I've enjoyed figuring out how to be, yet detested.
I've enjoyed meeting new people and building relationships. I've enjoyed getting to know old friends better. I'm figuring out who I am, on my own, without pressure or influence from anyone else.
Tomorrow might not be easy, and maybe not the next day either. Trusting people is hard, and I'm terrified my friends are going to abandon me. I'm fearful of letting people get too close, of caring too much, of letting anyone in enough to where they could hurt me.
But in time, I'll heal. In time I'll move one. Eventually I'll trust again. There will be more heartache in my life. I will have moments that break and build me.
But that's life. There are moments of joy and contentment, but also of pain and sadness. And the pain and sadness are what makes us grow stronger and shows us who we are as individuals. No one wants to have their heart broken, but sometimes it's for the better. No one would choose to walk a street of hurt, but that street makes you so much stronger when you turn the corner.
I will love again. Someday, a relationship will surprise me. Someday I'll have that special connection between a boy and a girl again. I'll be more cautious and it won't be without fear. But in time I'll find someone who makes me laugh more than I cry. Someone who gives me butterflies. Someone who understands that letting myself fall in love won't be easy, but is willing to love me anyways.
As difficult as this has been, I've learned a lot. I've discovered who I am and I've grown stronger. And as much as this has hurt, I don't regret any of it.

Russia.

My trip was amazing! I love volunteer work.
Tyler and I broke up right before I left. Like, 7 hours before I left. My heart just... broke. So it was a hard trip, too. But it helped me focus, and I learned a lot. I am so grateful for the life I live and for my family. So many kids just straight up don't have a family... that was the hardest thing for me to see on this trip. I met so many amazing people, so many new friends. I've tried so many new foods and learned so much about myself. (Who knew that I just love a hot cup of tea?!) Anyways, even though I've been home almost two weeks, I'm still having a hard time sleeping - so I'll keep this short and end with a video of the highlights of the trip.. Make sure to watch through the end! :)




The photo is from one of the five orphanages we visited. We also visited 2 juvenile delinquent homes, a foster home, a homeless shelter and three schools, as well as throwing a concert/drama performance at the end of the week.