Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Feelings and a Trilby Hat.

Butterflies? Whaaaaaaaat? Maybe it's a rebound. Oh, God. I hope it's a rebound. I can absolutely not handle liking a boy right now.

But here he is. Smiling, in that rediculous trilby hat that I love. Saying the most adorable things. Driving around, listening to music I would never have heard of without him. Carwashes. Bubbles. Icecream. Snuggling. Talking about nonsensical things, and about our beliefs. Driving to pretty places and looking at the sky.

Oh, God.
I wish it would all go away.
Or that I could take 30 seconds to sort through my mangled feelings, to understand whats going on in my head, and under that hat of his. 30 seconds to decide if its okay to like someone else. To have funny feelings in my stomach when someone says “Skylar” or “sky” or “pie” or anything that rhymes with the previous mentioned. 30 seconds to examine my little heart and see if its healed enough. To know if I'm ready to let myself be in like again.

I really wish I could control my emotions. That I could make it all go away, and focus on being me. Being happy and single and having fun.
But the thing is, I have fun with him. When I'm with him, I'm happy. He makes me smile, and laugh. He makes me try new things. He makes my feet dance to new music. He makes my heart happy. Its just after that. When I'm at home. Sitting all alone. That I'm terrified. Horrified at the fact that I let him get close. That maybe, someday, eventually, he might have enough of me that he could hurt me.
Please, let this just be a rebound. These feelings are more than I can handle.

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