I dont want to marry you.

I'm eighteen years old. Young, to most. Too young to get married, in my own opinion. I'm not ready, and that's fine. But I may be ready in 2-3 years.
There are two ways to end up married.
The way I want to start my future marriage is by dating someone who ends up being my best friend, and slowly becoming so intertwined in each other's lives that we don't want to spend a day without each other. This will be a slow process, I'm sure. It'll take a couple years. So I figured I should talk to Matt and see if he felt the potential was there for our relationship to eventually develop that way. Because for me, it was a no brainer. We're best friends. We rarely fight and when we do we make up fast. We spend every day together. We love each other.
Apparently not so obvious to him. He wants the second type, where romance and passion are so strong it hits him in the face. He wants to meet a girl and just KNOW she's "the one". And that's not there when he looks at me.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". I think that Matt and I could have been happy together. We have similar life plans and we make each other laugh. He knows me inside and out, and I know him. But since we have different views on how we want our future marriages to go, it'll never be. Because even if we stay together for another year and he decides he wants to marry me, I'll feel like he settled.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to break up?"
"No."
It doesn't make sense to me and it hurts so bad. Because from here on out, my relationship with Matt is just wasting my time. There is no future for us. But I don't want to be without him....
Because he's Matt. Because he knows that I hate ice in any drink besides water. Because when I'm sick or on my period he sits and holds me and rubs my feet to help me feel better. Because he knows my Chinese order by heart. Because he believes in me when I'm not sure I believe in myself. Because he holds me when I cry, and I can't imagine crying and him not being there.
I know we won't end up together. I know we will have to break up eventually. I know I shouldn't stay somewhere where there is no progress. But I just can't leave right now. I love him too much.
My hearts a little broken, but how much more broken would it be if we weren't together?

One Year Ago

It was a Sunday night, around 6:45 pm. My two friends and I had all had bad weeks. Whether that be because of fights with parents or getting in trouble at school, we were ready to escape the drama. So we decided to go see “The Guardians – Owls of GaHoole”. It was going to be a night full of popcorn, silly cartoons, and relaxation, after a hard week for all of us. But really, how often do things go the way they're supposed to go?
Of course, the way all good stories go, this one has some foreshadowing. I thought Clarissa was 18, and she wasn't quite yet.When I discovered I was disobeying my parents as well as breaking my provisional, I got a little nervous. I remember saying, “We just can't get pulled over. It'll be okay. We're almost there anyway.” As we pulled up to to a red light next to a cop, I got nervous again. I asked, “Is everyone's seatbelt on? There's a cop.” So we all fixed our seat belts and impatiently waited for the red light to turn, to escape the cop's eyes.
The light turned green. Listening to “Like a G6”, I turned from the New Seward onto 36th. I didn't make the turn before Liz gasped. “Destinee, Oh my God!” I looked at what she was looking at, directly out her window. A huge black F250 speeding towards my little red Ford Escort.
Doing some quick thinking, I realized there was nothing I could do to avoid being hit. Liz tried to grab my steering wheel, but that was turning us closer to the other vehicle. In the heat of the moment, I slapped her and slammed on my breaks, right as this black monster rammed into my car. We spun in circles towards the other side of the road, almost hitting a pole, while all the windows shattered in on us.
When my car finally screeched to a halt, I started screaming. I was sure something had impaled my chest, it hurt so bad. It took a moment, but I realized the wind was just knocked out of me from my airbag. I thought for a moment, while still screaming. I was responsible for two other girls at this point. Were they okay? I looked to my right, at Liz, sobbing. “She's hurt, but she's okay,” I remember thinking. Looking in my back seat at Clarissa is when I really got scared. Her head was flopped down, her chin to her chest. I started sobbing, so sure she was dead on impact. Suddenly her head lifted up, and she said something. Immediately I felt so blessed. No matter what, we had all made it, and that seemed to be a feat in itself.
A few seconds later, it seemed everyone and their mother was running to the windows of my car. “I called the police!” echoed through my ears. Someone said to me, “Sweetheart, you need to get out of the car.” Realizing we were all probably a little hurt, I remembered something my Mom had taught me. “But you're not supposed to get out of the car after an accident!”, I said. They reassured me that they knew, but that my car looked as if it was about to catch on fire. That was enough for me, and we were out of the car, with Liz having to be pulled out of the window because of how smashed in her side was.
Right here, I have a pretty level head. I realize I need to call my Mom, so I do. I clearly tell her that my car is totaled, that Liz and Clarissa are in the car with me, and that I'm on New Seward and 36th. That she needs to come now. I start to look over the girls, making sure they're safe. They both have blood on them, and are crying. I know the cops are on the way, so I try to get them to sit down next to me. A man came up to us and told us to sit down. “You're bleeding.” I looked down at my hands, blood splattered on them. Then realized there was a dull ache in my left knee. He lifted up my pant leg to check it out, and I saw my knee cap exposed. My level head went right out the window, and I started screaming. “I don't want to see it! I don't want to see it!” I cried. “She doesn't want to see it, pull her pant leg down!” Liz yelled at the man. I panicked, and called my Mom sobbing. “There's blood! Blood is everywhere! I'm covered in blood!” The paramedics showed up, taking the phone out of my hands. Reassuring my poor parents that I was alright and that they were taking all precautions necessary. They begin strapping us all to stretchers. And that was when all the parents showed up.
“Liz! Liz! Liz!”, I heard Liz's mom sob. “Where is she?!” Laying on the stretcher, I remember pointing vaguely to my right.
The rest is just a lumpy blur of a night. My Mom holding my hand. The paramedics cutting open my pants, and me screaming. The ambulances driving us to the hospital; me getting stitches and medicine for an infection already starting in my knee. A million phone calls because Liz had sent out a mass text informing people we were in an accident, but not that we were okay. My best friends showing up to the hospital, shaken up. The cop coming to see me and telling me I turned on a red arrow but green light. That if I hadn't slammed on the breaks, Liz would have died. That we were unbelievably close and so, so lucky. Talking my way out of a ticket. Going home, sobbing.
We were all okay. Liz had a slight concussion and torn ligaments in her knee, Clarissa has a scar from her seatbelt. My knee was trashed. We all hurt, but it wasn't nearly what it could have been, should have been. That was unbelievable to me.
Being so close to losing my friends, and possibly my own life, really changed me as a person. Driving is no longer leisurely for me,. I didn't drive for 6 months after the accident, and now I'm constantly panicking and always watching. I became a little more serious, a little more grown up. I valued the little things more. I am so grateful for those two little inch miracles, and I watch for them every day.

My Maybe Baby.

"You may get through it, but you will never get over it."

I have been struggling with the decision to write about this, but I need to get it out somehow. It's time for me to write it out, and maybe that will finally help me get over it. Maybe I will be able to not think about it for a day or two. This post has been sitting for 4 months, and maybe once every week or two I'll add something more. Delete something out. Try to explain how I feel, but I don't know how to. So I'm sorry if it's jumbled and sucks, but it's what I've got and I'm going with it.

The Friday before graduation I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Laying in bed together. Whispering sweet nothings and saying I love you's. I got up, fully clothed, to see blood on the bed where I was laying. This type of thing had been happening for a while. I chalked it up to just being a really weird period. However, I had been bleeding for over two weeks. So, Matt told me I needed to call and make a doctors appointment.

I called and scheduled an appointment for one week later, the following Friday. The receptionist asked what I was coming in for, and when I explained she put me on hold. Next thing I know, I'm talking to a case manager who's telling me I need to come in today. That maybe I should be in the E.R. To come in right now. She uses other scary words, too. "Chlamydia... Gonorrhea... Cervical Infection..."

I didn't want to go in, at all. I felt like this was being blown out of proportion. Matt decided to come with me, and we drove right to the hospital. I told him I wanted to go back alone, so he stayed in the waiting room. I explained what was going on to the nurse and she had me do a urine test and a swab test. Then the doctor came in and I explained one more time.

"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?"
"No, not really. I mean, I'm having a period. So no."
"Well, you did test positive for pregnancy today....."
(She continues to talk but I don't remember what was said)
"I'm sorry, I'm not listening to anything you're saying right now."
"Your boyfriend is here, right?"
"Yeah, he's in the waiting room."
"Would you like me to go get him?"
"Yes please."

Matt and I have been dating for not quite three months at this point. Pregnancy is not something either of us were hoping for, and I'm terrified of what he's going to say. I don't think I can tell him, but he knows right away. He guesses. He sits down and holds my hand, while the doctor explains that the bleeding probably isn't a good sign, but that we need to do a blood draw to see how far along the potential pregnancy is. She leaves, and Matt and I are now alone. I can't stop laughing, not because it's funny, but because I'm scared shitless. Matt is SO. CALM. Holding my hand, telling me we'll be all right. I'm pacing. Trying to call one of the girls. No one's answering. Finally I get ahold of Rachel, and she's on the way. And then Alison too.

And then we're all in the room together, wondering what this means. And then they're drawing my blood. And then we wait, and talk, for an hour. And then the nurse comes in and hands me an appointment for an ultrasound, and tells me my HCG level is 171. Low, but there.

We all leave but the doctor calls me back on my own to talk to me about...it. About getting it taken care of. She gives me some phone numbers of financing places and such. I never really told anyone because I wasn't 100% sure, but in that moment, I wanted it out. Gone. I didn't want to deal with it.

We all go to Red Robin and Matt is still SO CALM AND IT'S KILLING ME. I want to freak out, but I want to freak out together. We talk about the potential baby and the girls just assume if it's a real pregnancy I'll keep it. They just assume that in maybe 8-9 months, I'll have a kid. That does not sound appetizing to me, and I'm freaking out.

The next night I'm bleeding a lot. I'm sitting on the toilet and blood is just falling out of me, and I'm sure I'm miscarrying. But something doesn't feel right, and so I call my sister who has me come over. She says something doesn't look right, so we go to the Emergency Room. Everything's okay, but I'm miscarrying. 113. Suddenly, it all did matter, and I'm sad about it.

I call Matt and we spend Monday in bed together, talking. I had had another appointment that morning to make sure I was miscarrying normally, and was waiting for a phone call to make sure. While laying in bed, I got the call. Still somehow, somewhere, pregnant. 196. I'm terrified, because these “ups and downs aren't normal.” I'm graduating today.

Another appointment on Wednesday. 326. “Not doubling the way it should.” “Not a healthy pregnancy.” “Medicated abortion necessary, today if possible.” No. Not today, I can't make a decision that fast. Tomorrow morning? “This could be a serious condition, it looks like a tubal pregnancy.”

Another day spent in bed with Matt, him holding me, me sobbing. “I wanted it. I wanted it. I would have kept the baby.” My heart broke in a way I cannot even describe, and finally I decided I wouldn't do it. I would wait it out, because I couldn't imagine dealing with having done that every day for the rest of my life. Matt stood by my decision. We talk about names, and what we'll tell our parents, and what we're going to do if this ends up being real, even though we know there's no real chance.

I see a specialist who doesn't know what's going on. He can't explain it, except for a tubal pregnancy. I go in every 2 days, and the numbers are rising extremely slow. My heart breaks more for the baby I know won't be mine.

Eventually the numbers start to drop. Slowly. Not fast enough, and I'm still bleeding. But they give me the okay to go to Hawaii, because now we know I'm miscarrying. I go to Hawaii for ten days and am bleeding the whole time, which puts my bleeding at 6 weeks.

I get home and we start to plan a D&C. It's planned, when finally I stop bleeding, making the surgery unneccesary. It's all over, but for some reason this pregnancy being over hurts more than anything.

Having a baby wasn't and isn't part of my plan right now. It would suck. But every day, thinking back about the 4 weeks when I thought about being a mother breaks my heart. It hurts so bad. Matt and I are doing amazing, and having a baby definitely wouldn't have been benificial to our relationship. But for some reason, knowing that doesn't make not having our baby hurt any less. It's hard to explain... But I don't want another baby. I want to graduate college and get married before it's time for that. I just wanted that baby, in that moment.

Life goes on, and things are great for me right now. I love Matt more than anything. School is great. Honestly I am so happy right now... But I can't stop thinking about it.

Matt

Matt.
I can't sleep.
We've been to hell and back. Honestly if a relationship could go worse in the first four months, I don't know how...
Yet under the worst of circumstances, I suppose I fell in love.
I did. I fell in love with you. With the way you take care of me. With your smile. With your pathetic jokes and how every time I say "Guess what?" You say "Chicken Butt?", even though you know that's not it. I love the little things. How well you know me. How when you made me dinner, you cut the crust off my bread because you know I don't like it. The fact that you'll surprise me and drive me an hour and a half to my favorite ice cream place. That you will hold me while I cry and tell me it's all okay.
You really have stood by me through it all. I don't know how we've managed to keep this relationship going through everything we've been through, but together we're strong. Together we're unstoppable.
I don't know how long this will last, if you're going to leave and join the military, or if we're always going to be like this. All I know is that I think you're wonderful. I can't imagine these past few months without you. I don't know how I could have done it.
Thank you so much, for being you. You are amazing. I love you.

What is Love?

What is love, anyways? How do we know when we've found it?

Is it the moment when you first imagine that person in your life, for forever and always, and it seems like the best plan you've ever had?

Is love the moment you can't imagine your life without that person?

Is it the moment you commit? The day when you decide that he's the one, no matter what, and you'll spend forever with him no matter what comes your way?

You hear of people who fall in love after two weeks. Two weeks, and they know.
And it's real.

Then you hear of the people who date for years, and years, and years.
And then they break up.

What is love?

I want to be in love. I want to be in love so badly it hurts. I feel the desire in my hands, when I walk with out that someone special by me. I feel it at night, when no one wraps their arms around me. I feel it breaking me a little every time I see someone else in love.

But I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect. I want the kisses to be knee buckling. I want my heart to pound right out of my chest. I want it to be comfortable, to feel like coming home. I want it to be right.

But for now, I'm trying not to fall in love. I'm pushing it away. I don't know if it's because I'm waiting for it to be right... or because I'm scared that it'll happen and I won't be ready... or if I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just let loose, and see what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up alone.

I feel like no matter what I do, my heart will break. Either someone will break it for me, or I'll end up alone and it will break of loneliness. I just don't know which one will hurt me less.

I want to be in love.
But what is love, anyways?

Kiss and Tell

Last night, I was trying to list all the boys I've ever kissed. I knew I was forgetting one. Someone said to me, "When you can't remember everyone you've kissed is when you become a slut..." They said it as a joke. They weren't serious. But somehow, it got to me.

Today Justin and i broke up. It was very mutual and we decided to be friends. It doesn't hurt. And so I wonder, is that bad? We went out for three months and hung out as if were dating for the month before that. Four months, and breaking up doesn't hurt. I feel like maybe I lost my capabilities to fall in love when Tyler fell out of love with me. Maybe, one really horrible break up makes it so you can never move on.

I still feel broken over it sometimes. Not over Skylar. Not over Justin. Over Tyler. We weren't meant to be, we shouldn't be together, we never will again. Yet sometimes I wonder what I'd say if he came back. I wonder if my heart still belongs to him. Normally I say no. But sometimes... sometimes, I wonder.

So, I've been thinking... Mainly because I feel like I need to think about who I am, and what I want in a boy.... And if I'm even okay with everything going on in my heart. Or my head. Or really, the fact that I'm just not feeling anything....

Eight Boys. Eight Boys who's lives I've touched, in some small way. Eight boys who had some small connection with me. Eight boys who have changed my life, some in huge ways and some in small ones.

So, to :
Marcus Mikowski
Joe Trull
Tyler Houston
Turner Rodgers
Brandon Jones
Patric Catalano
Skylar King-Strang
Justin Luiten

For better or for worse, boys. You all have changed me and molded me into the girl I am woman I'm becoming. For better or for worse, I am who I am, a big part of it because of you. So thank you for the steps you helped me take. And thank you for times I fell because you pushed me. I am stronger, I am more confident. I am capable. I gave you each a piece of me, some a very small piece and some, part of my heart. Some of you have hurt me, and some of you I've hurt. But we learn, we grow, we change. So thank you for everything. I don't regret any of you.

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance, But Sometimes So is "I'm Sorry"

I have had four best friends throughout my high school career. Four girls who I, to this day, love more than anything. Four wonderful, smart, beautiful young women with their lives ahead of them.
These four girls have been my guiding path, my light in the dark, band-aids to my heart. These four girls have been there through it all. Until very recently. And I feel so alone without them.

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari-

I cannot tell you how much I regret when it comes to our friendship. I feel so responsible for the path you walk. You were doing so well, you were recovering. And I made the ridiculous assumption that you could handle anything. That we were the same. We smoked together, a total of four times. If I could take back anything in our friendship, that would be it. You had been doing so well, and those times smoking together, I believe, brought you back into that lifestyle. My decision to smoke with you in turn made you comfortable using again. Which in turn led you to cocaine. Now I miss you more than ever and I feel like you're gone. I call you and you don't answer. I so badly want my Emu back, but I feel like you're lost. And I feel like that's my fault. I'm so sorry.

Alison Leigh Boring-

Out of all the girls, you were the one I knew I'd lose. Ever since our sophomore year, you've been relationally obsessed, or in love, or however you want to say it. You clung to our friendship when you didn't want to be friends. You lied, and often, about when you were allowed to hang out. When I spoke with people about college and you leaving, 4/5 would respond with “Yeah, but Alison's already basically gone anyways”. You've judged my life when you were making equally as bad of decisions. And so I'm letting you go, and I'm trying to do it civilly. You have an amazing life in front of you, and so do I. However, our lives aren't the same. I love having girl friends. You don't need me, or the other girls. And frankly you haven't been present in our lives for the past year + anyways. I will always love you and be there for you if you need me. But I don't need you. I'm really sorry it turned out this way, but it's for the best. I hope your life is filled with happiness and that you laugh more than you cry, and that you are abundantly blessed.

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith-

Darling Liz. So much has happened over the course of our friendship. We've had so many “firsts” together. I care about you so much, but our friendship seems difficult lately. I nearly killed you, Liz. I don't know if that's something I can get over. I can still hear you yelling “Destinee, Oh My God!” and Like a G6 in the background. I can still feel my car being smashed with you in my passenger seat. Since then things have been different. I feel like I need to take care of you, like I'm responsible. I can't imagine losing my Liz. Since then, I feel like you've been sadder. Like you're stressed. Maybe even like you're angry at me. I am so sorry for what happened. I should have been more responsible, I should have been more careful. I'm sorry Liz.

Rachel Ann Jones-

You've always answered your phone when I call, or called me back. This past month I have been less than the desireable friend to you. I am so sorry for not always being there like I should, and for sometimes being selfish in our friendship. This month has been crap for all of us, but I threw myself a mini-pity-party. I focused only on how hurt I was, how much I lost instead of looking at it from your shoes, or anyone elses. I'm so sorry that I wasn't the best friend I'm supposed to be.


Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Sometimes opportunities grow through the pain and mistakes. Sometimes amazing lessons are learned through heartache. Something good is coming for us all, girls. I can feel it. I love you all so much, no matter where life has taken us. Thank you for this journey of friendship.