Wake Me Up When September Ends...

September Sucked.

I got expelled from the school I've been at since junior high. My small private school. i had to switch schools in the middle of my senior year, to a school where I knew hardly anyone and didn't know how the teachers ran their classes. Still don't.

I got into a horrible car accident and almost killed one of my best friends, myself, and another friend. Totaled my car. Have no way of getting around. Injured my knee pretty badly and now have a limp.

Yes, that's right. I started a brand new school walking about with a limp. I look like I have a disability.

So basically, in the procession of September, I lost my group of girls, my mode of transportation, my physical capability, my comfort zone, and all my money will be going to saving for a new car.

I know I'm lucky to be okay. But it sucks a lot right now.
And no one seems to get that.




I'll write more detailed posts later about each event.

Just in case you were wondering...

I will be back, and soon.

I'm very busy dealing with life but will be updating in a week or so :)

I don't know what to say.

I don't hate that I did it, because I've grown so much through having to deal with it.
I know it was wrong, and if I could do it over I would. But my faith is stronger now, because of these trials. And my family is stronger now, able to withstand more. I as a person am more understanding and gracious.

I don't hate that I'm suspended, because I know that no matter how long ago it happened, it still happened. And I was wrong.

I don't hate the school, because I know that they're just trying to do what's best for the school.

But I hate that this is gone for me. I hate that my safe haven was taken from me. My voice used against me. I hate that they took away something I love ever so much. I hate that I can no longer write.

I wrote this blog for myself. To help myself deal with emotions so strong they were breaking me. To get my feelings out. This blog was written to help me cope. But it can't be that anymore.

I hate that this is going to have to be my last post. At least for now, for a couple weeks. Because my thoughts cannot just be my thoughts.

Singularity, Senior Year and the De-Complicatedness-Ing of My Life.

Once apon a time, I was a wee one.



I was a little girl who played and was silly. I didn't think much about who I was, as a human being. I had a wonderful, loving family, and toys. And that was all that mattered.



...Then I grew up.



Now, I don't know who I am. There are so many different sides of me, I get lost trying to stick to one.

Sometimes, I'm single.



... Sometimes I'm not.



Sometimes I feel as if I'm country at heart.



And then I remember how preppy I am and how much I love the city.



Sometimes, I feel all maternal and cannot wait to grow up and be a mother.



Sometimes, I never want to grow up and love being a crazy, reckless teen.




Sometimes, I cook, or am crafty and domestic.



(yes, i homemade that pizza. even the crust. and made that lampshade. even the frame.)



...Sometimes I just am so not.



But no matter what the world tries to shape me into....



I'm still me. And that's what matters, right?



Maybe I'll grow up and be a midwife, a teacher, a nurse. Maybe I'll be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'll travel the world. Maybe I'll stay right here in good old AK. I don't know what the future holds, and frankly, I'm trying not to stress it. God has a plan and a purpose. It's gonna fall into place no matter what I do. So for now, I stop being paranoid about my future. I've got ten days of summer left. Then, I've got one year of high school. I'm not going to stress the details. it doesn't really matter where I go to school. It doesn't really matter where I live 20 years from now. None of it matters. I'm going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Or else none of it will be meaningful, anyways. I'm going to have the best year ever... I'm going to enjoy every last minute with my family. I'm going to make crazy memories with my best friends. I'm going to stay single, and just enjoy being me. As complicated and confusing as that can be. I'm going to love my life.

My Girls

Elizabeth Alexandria Smith

Rachel Ann Jones

Emily Elizabeth Ferrari

Alison Leigh Boring


Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we don't get along. Sometimes, we're bitches. Sometimes we're not there for each other when we need to be. Sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes, we say the right thing at the wrong time. Sometimes we talk behind each other's backs. Sometimes we don't know what to say, how to help. Sometimes it's hard to forgive each other and move on.

But always and forever, we will care about each other. Always and no matter what, if one of us truly needed the others, we would all be there.
These girls are my support, my backbone, my strength. These girls have held me when I cried and picked me up at 2 a.m to support me. These girls have said "I don't know what to say, but you're strong and you can do this." when I didn't know how I would. These girls have drawn me pictures and written me letters to encourage me. They've stayed on the phone all night with me.
No matter what shit we go through. No matter who says what. No matter how hard it is to keep our friendships going.
Ladies, you are my forever friends, my bosom buddies, my best friends. My soul mates in friendship form.

Thank you for everything. I know I don't say that enough. Thank you for being there.

Home Sweet Alaska - The Last Frontier

I grew up in eternal winter. Sledding September through March. I grew up in a city where, in July, it was once recorded to be 38 degrees. Fahrenheit. Where we get an average of 69.5 inches of snow a year. I grew up camping all summer long. Boating and fishing. Wearing sweatshirts in the summer, yes, but being up til 2, 3 a.m because it was still light out. I grew up with moose in my backyard often and bears digging through my garbage occasionally. I've eaten moose roasts and shot a gun and seen whales jump in the WILD. I've always had huge, gorgeous mountains surrounding me. Good hikes just a few miles away. It's beautiful, right out my window. I love it here. Winters are shit ...Difficult. Long. Dark. But my family is here. How can I leave this place?

How can I not?
I have dreams. And as much as I love my home state, can I accomplish them here? Can I be successful at good ole' University of Alaska Anchorage? Will I be able to build my character and person living in the same house as my lovely but pushy Mother? Is it possible for me to really become a woman here?
I wish. I hope. Maybe.
But most likely, I will end up stuck in loads of student debt so I can venture out and grow and become the me of my dreams. Most likely, I will leave this love-it-but-hate-it state and go somewhere with not enough snow and extremely hot (85 is hot...) summers. Somewhere I'll be scared out of my size 24 jeans in a new place with no one I know... But that's how it's going to happen. That's how I'm going to feel okay with studying abroad and changing the world and having a career I can travel the world with. That's how I'll meet someone equally as crazy and globally-minded as me, marrying him, eventually adopting kids from impoverished countries and raising them to be travelers and adventurers and explorers.
Because how can I ever hope to travel the world if I don't even want to leave the state for college? How can I ever raise little multi-cultural children to wander and discover if I'm scared to do it? I can't. So I have to face my fears. Physical, Mental, Financial. I have to face my fears and cry and be homesick until I'm amazing and cultured and experienced. Until all my friends wish they had gone out of state, too. (:

My trip

I love this trip. I loved Washington, Oregon, Colorado and New York.
I've seen some great schools and had some awesome experiences.
But this trip is about self discovery.
And through this trip, I've discovered something.
I need to be on my own. Need. Not want.
I'm glad I have this last year and that I will be able to be with my family... BUT.
But I am thriving on this trip. I like me better here. Away from distractions, away from my normal life.
I don't know if I'll end up at one of these colleges, out of my home state, but I do know that I need to be on my own.
I know that I can succeed. But I can't do it at home.
I'm drowning there.